Saw IV

Cam Says:

Saw is back, and better than ever… well maybe not. In reality, Saw 4 is a huge disappointment, but that’s later, now for the upsides.

The movie just has that Saw 3 look and feel, I really enjoyed the feel of Saw 2 and 3, more particularly Saw 2 but it’s a toss up. The story takes place during Saw 3, but reverts back to flash backs with Jigsaw turning and becoming… well Jigsaw. It’s a long over exaggerated story but it is interesting to a point, but as they become more and more prevalent it just seems to be side tracking you from the true story. There is a twist, as with all Saw movies but this Saw seems to be relying on the old “If you build it they will come” mind set, this is their downfall. Though I would only, and I truly mean only, go see this movie again or any of the next ones because of those flashbacks. They really give life to Jigsaw, a man we never really get to see outside of his homicidal spree.

The characters are about as deep as a California snow storms, the characters are there, and it could show something but it’s not likely… at all. All you find yourself when they do give up a little information on the character is confused and a little cold, much like that California snow storm. They take minor characters, (Briggs, the SWAT member) and say “Hey, let’s make him the main character!” The fact that Briggs is the main character and the storyline is taking place at the same time as Saw 3 leads to confusion and you find yourself watching the third one thinking “This doesn’t make any sense”. I’m one of the few that enjoys a great twist at the end of a movie, that’s why my love for the Saw movies will continue on, but this just seemed out of place.

Traps, it’s a great word and Jigsaw makes them so much better. What happens when Jigsaw is dead? The traps seem dull, compared to other Saw movies. There are like four or five traps in the movie, but you are craving for more at the end, something that just screams out, something that is so violent it makes you puke, but you get nothing. Leigh Whannel must have had a huge impact on the movie because without his support this movie has fallen short. Hearing rumors of the writer nearly fainting when they thought of one of the traps seems a little far fetched to say the least.

All in all the movie acts more as a build up to the next movie, but how many fans the franchise has lost is up in the air. The more and more movies they produce the more and more the bar is set lower, like the Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th/Freddy movies before it. After seeing our villain for the 4rth time it goes down hill from there. At the end of the day, Saw IV will make you confused, bored, and tired. I drove 20 minutes at 90 MPH on the highway, and  took off work early to get to this showing. I would only recommend spending the 8 bucks if you plan to see the next few Saw movies, Saw 4 sets up the next few movies, but ignores it’s stand alone project. The twist doesn’t make sense and is far from called for, the characters are shallow and dull, the traps will put you to sleep, the storyline is more confusing than, and I’ll bring this up again, that California snow storm. The only thing to keep in mind is that it will tie up the questions that are given during Saw 3 just to get them tied up. They took the lazy way out, seeing as there’s 3 writers, they must have took the “If you put enough monkeys in a room they’ll come up with Shakespeare eventually”. An extreme disappointment and the “Fan film” they portrayed this movie as, only confuses the long time fans of Saw. I own the trilogy and am picking up the Saw 3 directs cut and the Saw Trilogy with the special packaging I think this series was great, until this movie. This will be a movie, considering IF you ever watch it again, will be one only to prove points and connect bridges, the entertainment value has gone.

Grade: 47

Sex and the City

Schuyler says:

In the state of Massachusetts, it is technically impossible for a woman to rape a man. The theory behind this is that if a man gets an erection, it’s a form of consent. This little loophole has allowed countless women to rape countless men since the dawning of time. Such rape-cases never make it to the front page of the Boston Herald (or the Carrboro News down here in Carolina).

Finally you women have slipped up. I am living proof that woman CAN rape men. All they have to do is to DRAG THEM TO SEE SEX AND THE CITY. That is rape. No doubt about it. I was forced to go, as was every single other hetero male in the theater. As 80-90 women watched with eager enthusiasm as 4 old dried up hags said the following words ad nauseam and in no discernible/understandable context: “Fashion. New York. Sex. Mr Big. Wedding. Marriage. 40 [years old]. Mr Big. New York. Sushi. Margaritas. Mr Big. Marriage. Prada.”

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN!? You are teetering on the brink of devolution. We may soon know how Homo Neanderthalensis lived merely by observing you all!

[The above picture is a photo of the four stars of the film…four old skeletons…oh and MIRANDA! You’re slouching!]

This film was light and fluffy, yes…yes it was. It had warm, loving moments. It had light-hearted humorous moments. It had deep philosophical moments. However, it also had shallow, mind-less idiocy that lasted for over two hours. I’m talking about stupid, unimportant dialogue not seen since Dude! Where’s My Car?

Carrie — I know you were in Hocus Pocus 15 years ago…BUT WHY DO YOU STILL LOOK LIKE A WITCH!? Take off your hooked nose and go kill that boner Matthew Broderick has been trying to get for the past decade. Why are you making discoveries about life at age 40 that most people have made by their early 20s? The fact that you’ve probably spent over $5 MILLION on your various wardrobe collections makes me want to vomit. You could’ve just spent $1 million like your average stupid spoiled idiot and managed to help fight world hunger with your surplus $4 million. Why does everything revolve around you?! You’re so f’ing self-centered. I hope you die in some horrible, new way!

Charlotte — The lesser of five evils. At least she spends a decent amount of her day thinking about other people and “being there” for other people. However, her selection of friends shows that she’s missing a few key brain cells. Her naivety can make you feel sick at times (How can a brain function this way??)
Charlotte York: [to Big] I curse the day you were born!

What are you, a hag from the times of King Arthur? Regardless of stupidity, the only character I’d be caught dead having sex OR city with…

Miranda — I’m actually really glad her character exists. I was worried for so long, losing sleep and shedding tears…over whether or not Carrot Top would ever be able to find work again. He has…as Miranda. I’m not really sure why they named a male character Miranda (sounds like a girls name…), but Carrot Top really shines in this role. I think it’s because he didn’t try so hard. Kudos to him.
No, seriously, Miranda sucks ass and should perish.
A) You’re the ugliest thing since a naked Dr. Ruth
B) Your husband cheats on you because you don’t give him any and you haven’t shaved since Vietnam (Ironically, that’s when a lot of other women didn’t shave)…so you leave him. You don’t deserve him. Once again, you look like the Rankor from Return of the Jedi. And you’re stupid. Just thought I’d put that out there.

Samantha — How are you physically able to have sex at your age? Much less……with a person. ::Shudders:: That’s like having sex with the old testament. Now that’d be a show: Sex and the Old Testament. It’d go something like this:

Charlotte York: I always knew she’d marry Big.
Samantha Jones: You thought that after the second break up?
Charlotte York: Yep.
Miranda Hobbes: After the fifteenth?
Carrie Bradshaw: Ha ha, we broke up a lot.
[God descends from on high, and slays them all due to their harlotry.]

Samantha is the most conceited and self-centered of all the characters in this movie. She is living with her boyfriend, a Hollywood stud half her age (and making a ton of money off his career)…and still she can’t keep her dick in her pants. Some people are incapable of being in a monogamous, respectful relationship…probably because Uncle Stew fondled her breasts on Christmas Eve, 1959. I wish everyone’s favorite Romanian Superhero, Vlad the Impaler, would come back to life and shove a giant wooden stake up her ass and out her stomach. Frighteningly, she may enjoy that sort of execution…

Mr. Big — Grow some fucking balls you little shit. “Wah, I’m 50 and I fear marriage. I think I’m hyperventilating!” Oh shut up. You’re rich, so even if you get married to Carrie and it sucks, you can fuck 100 other girls a day, and pay them not to talk like Shaquille O’Neal. I hate you.

There you have it: 5 perfect reasons to not see this film. And remember guys, if you say “No!” that means “NO!”

Grade: 51

Shaun of the Dead

James says:

Simon Pegg is a god among men, and this is an indisputable fact. I came into this movie having never seen “Spaced,” the British show that made him (and most of the other cast members) famous and even inspired them to make a zombie movie, but it was irrelevant. It’s a very funny show, but it will never be able to dethrone the spot in my heart that “Shaun of the Dead” will forever hold. The movie begins when Pegg’s character, the titular Shaun, is introduced as a lovable, albeit directionless slacker whose girlfriend is way too good for him and who lives with his hilarious best friend, Ed (Nick Frost). After Shaun royally fucks up on the plans he promised his girlfriend for their anniversary, she dumps him, and Shaun and Ed go to their favorite pub, The Winchester, in order to drown their sorrows in lager. Of course, as with any good movie, zombies soon show up to spoil the party. With the city falling apart around them, Shaun has no choice but to band together with Ed, his mom, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s roommates in an attempt to survive the undead attack!

Oh, Shaun, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways! One, this movie has enough references to choke a porn star’s prolapsed butthole. The guys clearly love George Romero’s “Dead Trilogy,” and it comes through in the tiny little details. For example, Shaun works at “Foree Electronics,” a reference to Ken Foree, star of Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead.” When Shaun tells his mom, Barbara, that he’s going to come rescue her, Ed takes the phone and shouts “We’re coming to get you, Barbara!” This line is taken almost word for word from the opening scene of “Night of the Living Dead.” And they don’t stop with Romero! The restaurant Shaun was supposed to get reservations at for his anniversary was called “Fulci’s,” which also happens to be the name of a famous Italian director known largely for his zombie movies. (Fanboys: want to argue this? I cordially invite you to fuck yourselves)

Last but certainly not least is the most important part of any comedy…the comedy. It works. THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is how a parody should look. You can keep your “Scary Movies” and all those other God-awful cinematic abortions, because Shaun gets it right. It’s a movie that knows how to parody. It’s not enough to simply reference lots of other movies and expect people to laugh, it’s to take the FOUNDATIONS OF THE GENRE and turn them on their heads. Let the audience believe that they know where the movie is going, then juke the crap out of them and make them love every second. I saw this movie COMPLETELY ALONE, and didn’t regret a damn thing. It’s funny, exciting, touching when it needs to be, and extremely entertaining. See it post haste.

Grade: 92

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Joe says:

Well, it was directed by William “Rocketman” Shatner, so obviously it was the best of the ten existing Star Trek movies. Except for the part where it wasn’t.

If you need further proof that the 1980s were just revolting (as if you need more), look no further than Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, the most poorly-written and least enjoyable film of the proud franchise. Please note that I didn’t HATE this movie, as it’s pretty much impossible for I, a Star Trek dork, to hate anything they have done (except creating the Wesley Crusher character), but it was sincerely lacking.

Our trek (use of word intentional) begins on Nimbus III, the self-entitled ‘planet of galactic peace’ – if by “planet” you mean “sandy, uninhabitable rock with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever” – but I imagine that’s not nearly as catchy as the former. Three ambassadors – a human, Romulan, and Klingon – meet in an ugly, dark bar with fluid-filled pool tables to discuss matters of interstellar politics in the worst possible location in the Alpha Quadrant aside from Newark. During their quasi-conference and recreational alcohol consumption, an angry mob of religious fanatics storms the establishment and takes the ambassadors hostage. The leader of this group is Sybok, half-brother of franchise icon Spock, and undoubtedly one of the most forgettable, ridiculous major characters in a Star Trek feature film.

After a campfire scene and subsequent marshmallow roast with Captain Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, the obviously-aging crew boards the USS Enterprise-A: a self-destructing replacement starship where even items not physically connected to it malfunction. The Enterprise crew is ordered to go to Nimbus III and recover the hostages, despite other ships being just as close and able. Captain Kirk leads an assault team on the ground, and much to everyone’s dismay, an over-the-hill Commander Uhura strips nearly bare and does a dance to lure the obviously undersexed guards away from the city. I bet that doesn’t work 99 times out of 100, but hey, you’ve already suspended belief this far. If you simply must see this movie, try not to think about it.

The Klingon Empire also sent a ship to retrieve the hostages, but the commander of the ship decides that he’d rather blow up the Enterprise than actually do something constructive. Most Star Trek fans require a decent amount of photon torpedoes, explosions, and evasive maneuvers, but these were essentially irrelevant and nothing more than a sidebar. All of the scenes with the Klingons could have been written out completely and the weak plot would have been unscathed, which is the sign of a thin storyline.

Sybok’s crew eventually takes over the Enterprise, and his brainwashing techniques ensure the compliance of the crew. His mission: to go to the center of the galaxy find the planet where God is living in the flesh. Yes, you read that right. A bunch of depressing crap happens, and then the crew beams down to the planet and meets a malevolent, non-corporeal being instead, with dreams of commandeering the ship. Sybok sacrifices his life to fight the creature, whose death throes sounded reminiscent of a day where the Metamucil hasn’t quite kicked in. (You know…those days where you’re just…sitting there waiting for it, but it’s not happening? Yeah, those; we’ve all been there.) Still, the Klingons want to blow up the Enterprise, but the Klingon ambassador makes the captain stop and – get this – apologize. A Klingon apologizing? No, that’s not out of character or completely out of the blue, no sir. This was a stupid cop-out that a few torpedoes could have fixed.

The Final Frontier was supposed to be a sentimental, thought-provoking movie following the feel-good “save the whales’”-themed Star Trek IV, but the final product we got was a poor effort with a weird, circuitous path to a moral of the story which was telegraphed long before the climax. This was a predictable, contrived film which had only a few compelling moments. Yeah, blame The Next Generation for the movie failing, why don’t ya, because everyone knows that the quality of dialogue is a function of the size of the budget. (Wait, is it?)

This movie loses points for the following (for which Shatner cannot be held wholly responsible): the moderately pathetic premise, the lack of Klingon testicular fortitude when it matters most (I assume they have balls to begin with), erotic dances by fifty-year-olds, awkward moments, so-so special effects, butch Klingon chicks, and the fact that they thought we’d buy into it. You’re best off adding an “I” to your Star Trek movie search and seeing Star Trek VI, where ass is kicked and names are taken – the way it’s supposed to be. If I wanted a mediocre science fiction movie, I’d watch the Sci-Fi Channel at 4am.

Grade: 40

Small Town Gay Bar

Schuyler says:

Ah, the wonders of Netflix Instant Browse.

This is a documentary film I wouldn’t rent with a ten-foot renting pole in any circumstance. However, as of yesterday I dutifully joined Netflix (how can a film critic not be a member, no matter how large his DVD library?!), which offers almost all of their packages with a much smaller library of films available to watch streaming, online, in perfect quality on your computer. The people at Netflix don’t seem to understand that this customer has his computer hooked up to his brand new 32-inch HDTV, making his stream every bit as good as a mail-delivered DVD. Anyway…

This documentary is really, really great. As a male who is not gay, very often the experience of “the other” escapes me. How can I understand homosexuals as real people when I go to Boston College (after having attended an all-male Catholic Highschool)? How can I understand them when the only exposure to gays I have is a caricature expressed in films such as Party Monster or Brokeback Mountain (which will never, ever be reviewed on this website). Those instances aren’t real.

Imagine you’re gay (or pretend you are COTT’s very own James), and living in the deeeeeeep South. I don’t mean Richmond, Virginia. I mean places where living in a tiny makeshift shack is the town norm. A place where words like “Nigger” can be heard wherever there are two or more men gathered. I’ve made fun of Italy as being an intolerant place to have been, historically. Rome looks like the Mecca of tolerance when compared to the rural South.

Basically, being a gay man in this type of place means that you fear for your life every single day, even when still “in the closet.” Where do you go to be yourself? There’s no fucking Cheers for gays in Mississippi, I’ll tell you that.

This documentary follows several homosexuals, both men and females, as they go around to different small towns in ‘Sippi on a tour of the Gay-friendly bar offerings. This isn’t a tour of places where ppl are bf’ing in the next booth…that’s that caricature I mentioned earlier. Sometimes, I just want to go to a bar, get a Heineken, look around, maybe talk to a person or two, and go home. Gays want that too. But if they stroll into “Longhorns” or “Git-the-Hehl-owt! bar”, they’re going to get the shit kicked out of them for acting slightly flamboyent, or worse. It’s unsafe for gay-appearing individuals to go to a regular bar. For the more visible gay individual, it’s simply a deathwish.

The director of the documentary (KEVIN SMITH! ::worship::) does an excellent job sharing information, real-life experiences, and presenting the arguments of both sides (several ultra-radical gay-hate ministry groups are given an open microphone–they verbally hang themselves). If you’re a rational, educated human being, the argument isn’t even worth making. I felt it almost moving, and despite not sharing the ideology of the participants, I can empathize thanks to this film. Well worth seeing for anyone with a sympathetic heart.

This will be on the only non-mean-spirited review I ever do, so enjoy it, fuckers.

Grade: 91

PS: Unfortunately searching for pictures on Google with the terms “Gay Bar” wasn’t really working out, so I chose appropriate substitute pictures. Enjoy!

Serenity

Izzy says:

A lot of people who have seen Serenity have not seen Joss Whedon’s short-lived-but-brilliant show Firefly that aired on FOX and ended before finishing the first season. Woah, that’s quite a mouthful. But the reason that I started this review with that sentence is that one cannot enjoy Serenity without being given some background. It would be like…watching the Full Metal Alchemist film without ever watching the anime. </dork> Or it would be like watching the fifth Harry Potter film without having seen any of the other movies or read the books. You’d be like “Jesus! Who is this kid? What the hell is going on? Where are they? I am so confused! Is that Ralph Fiennes?” and you’d probably turn it off, grab your coat and go see In Bruges. Basically, the point I’m trying to make is that Serenity does not stand on its own, and I’ll tell you why.

First of all…did you ever take a theatre class? Were you ever in a high school play? If so, do you remember the phrase “showing not telling”? Like instead of saying “I’m really angry about all of this!” in a play, you could just sit down in a chair in a corner glaring at everyone and furrowing your brows. Well, the beginning of Serenity is very much telling and not showing. In the first few minutes of the film, we’re told exactly who everyone is, because Mal, the captain, introduces everyone to us. There’s a problem with the ship in the beginning. The captain goes to Kaylee. Obviously, Kaylee is the mechanic. Might be a rocky landing. He goes and talks to Wash. Wash is the pilot. He walks past Jayne. Jayne is holding a bunch of weapons. This follows:

Mal: Jayne how many weapons you plan on taking? You only got two arms.

Jayne: I just get excitable as to the choice. Like to keep my options open.

Mal: I don’t plan on any shooting taking place during this job

Jayne: What you plan and what takes place ain’t ever exactly been similar.

Okay, so OBVIOUSLY Jayne is the hot-headed one, quick to act, very violent, and daring enough to challenge the captain. As if that isn’t enough, he refers to Simon as “doctor” just so we know FOR SURE what his profession is, and then Simon gets all protective about River so it’s obvious there’s something wrong with her. And, just so EVERYTHING is taken care of, when Zoe asks if they’re going to crash, Mal says “Talk to your husband”. OH! So Zoe and Wash are married! Now I know everything about the entire series in about 2 minutes!

This is just great. Only it sucks. It tries to introduce people who haven’t even heard of Firefly into that world very very quickly and it comes out looking sloppy. You don’t get a chance to really understand the characters and what their personalities are like. You don’t start caring for them like you would if you had seen the show. If you had seen Firefly and then watched Serenity, you would’ve been surprised to see that there is no development in the relationship between the captain and Inara. Sure, you can tell that they argued in the past, but you don’t really see the sort of hidden feelings they have for each other that developed throughout the entire 3/4 of a season. This is kind of annoying, because you take characters from a show that not many people watched and turned it into a movie that did “okay”. I mean, it wasn’t a flop film but it wasn’t a box office smash either. I think the only reason the movie didn’t flop was because the graphics were really good and it’s SCIENCE FICTION! It’s a science fiction western! And who doesn’t love Space Cowboys? Everybody loves Space Cowboys! On the other hand, Mal isn’t played by Brad Pitt, Zoe isn’t played by Halle Berry, Wash isn’t played by Will Ferrell (haha! Wouldn’t it be funny if Wash were Will Ferrell? I mean, okay, Wash IS the funny one, but if Will Ferrell were Wash it would be very ridiculous. And the thought of Halle Berry and Will Ferrell in bed together makes me giggle and vurp simultaneously), Kaylee isn’t played by Ariel from the Little Mermaid, etc. etc. No famous actors. Although Summer Glau (River Tam) is now in that Sarah Connor Chronicles TV series, but that wouldn’t have helped when Serenity came out anyway.

You know what I think is funny? How the first episode of Firefly is called Serenity, and it’s about an hour and a half long…the same length as the movie Serenity. They should’ve just turned the first episode into a movie. But eh, maybe not. I have my own beef with the first episode myself. But…I just thought that was funny. I don’t know, I’m weird.

I liked Serenity because I love Firefly. If I hadn’t seen Firefly, Serenity wouldn’t have had a profound effect on me. I mean, my cat is named River, okay? Firefly is an amazing show, and the fact that they made a movie about it is very, very cool. It’s also cool because the movie picks up where the show left off…sort of, in a way. I was hoping Serenity would tie up more loose ends than it did, but at least we get to figure out what the hell is up with River and the Reavers. I sincerely hope that the people that saw Serenity and liked it went out and rented or bought the Firefly series. I mean, come on. Someone’s gotta fill Joss Whedon’s pockets these days.

Grade: 73

Summer of Sam

Schuyler says:

Summer of Sam is the first ever movie about a mass-murderer that is not a horror film. Oddly enough, we are only shown snippets of the killer and the actual murders which altogether add up to about 5% of the film. Most of the film is about Disco and Adultery, my two favorite things to do on a Friday.

John Leguizamo looks like a nasty drain-clog of a human being. He is “skeevy” in real life, but decides to crank it up a notch for his guido disco dancer character. Throughout the entirety of the film he is obsessed with his own fate and his own life: “The killer saw me!” “The Son of Sam is gonna get me” “Spaghetti Linguini ah-Meat-ah-Balls!” Despite the fact that Leguizamo is Colombian, if this movie featured any more Italians they would have to call it “Grease.”

Adrian Brody gives himself a Good Charlotte spikey hairdoo, a fake British accent, and plenty of punk clothing as his character attempts to be the first ever Italian in a Ramones-esque band (and the second Hyman–inside joke for all you Ramones fans). We all know Italians have a history of accepting different types of people (See also: Jesus, Rome’s conquered provinces, The Irish), but Brody’s hometown friends have issues with his new punk lifestyle, which they see as “faggy”. So “faggy” that the “town fag” helps to beat the shit out of him. There is gay, and there is punk. Although, to be fair, Adrian Brody turns down hot piece of ass Jennifer Esposito from giving him a blow-j like 10 times. I would consider that gay.

The best part of IMDB is the sort of unspoken trivia you can discover. EVANDER HOLYFIELD was an extra during the “black people steal stuff because the power is out” riots. Also, John Turturro plays the voice of the satanic dog in the killer’s head (the very same John Turturro that said “You don’t fuck with the Jesus!” in Big Lebowski).

SOS was a Spike Lee joint, which means it has some racial movement behind it. I was confused for the longest time trying to figure out “how is this movie somehow about black people being oppressed?” And then it hit me…it’s really just anti-Italian (Italians are white people). I am okay with this, however, as I’m ethnically from England. Anything that’s bad for Italy is good for the rest of the world.

The movie made me really uncomfortable for the most part, because now I feel that I’m racist towards Italians. This movie has absolutely CONVINCED me that they are stupid, unable to grasp simple logic, have itchy trigger fingers, and are very quick to riot. Then again, I’m sure most first-century Catholics/Christians would agree with me.

Grade: 80

Sideways

Schuyler says:

It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine.
Could you be mine.
It’s a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would you be mine.
Could you be mine.
I have always wanted to have a neighbor
Just like you.

Over the years, Mr. Rogers has been the definition of a “consistent character”. This, boys and girls, is what we adults call a “euphemism” for “no character development whatsoever.” And Mr. Rogers functions as a “metaphor” for Sideways. This film has its ups and downs, but the biggest down leaves you with a taste in your mouth comparable to a poor Merlot (and we learn there are many of those). That negative factor is of course the lack of any character development whatsoever in this film. Yes, the characters (Miles – Paul Giamatti & Jack – Thomas Haden Church) are certainly not one-dimensional, but they start at point A and end at point A. The movie is cleverly titled “Sideways” to hint at the lack of linear development the characters make.

So basically…the writers INTENTIONALLY wrote characters so that they could NOT develop them. Ah yes, which reminds me of the time I went out of my way to have children so I could not feed them, not watch them grow up, and not watch them go to college. I have my children “just ‘cuz.” And the writers wrote these characters “just ‘cuz.” When the film concludes, you are left completely devoid of any reason to have seen the film. You watch characters progress sideways, but where’s the art in that? People don’t do that. People can become more evil, or more good, but no-one remains as stagnant as Miles and Jack. The directors/writers feel that by gradually revealing more of their character flaws they are in fact “developing” them. Nope.

Positive time: For a young person, this movie is a great way to become an elitist wine-snob. How is that positive, you ask? Well, personally, I didn’t like red wine all that much ::puts top hat upon head, curls moustache, lights expensive cigar::, but after seeing Sideways, I became a Pinot Noir fanatic! But I won’t stick just any old Pinot in my mouth. Only the dark ones! Roll your eyes if you will, but once you go Noir…you’ll move to Cote D’Ivoire.

Rundown: (Not featuring the Rock) This movie got a lot of critical acclaim…but then again critics are the same people who couldn’t get enough of Crash, so take their opinions with less than a grain of salt. I don’t care for the experimental character non-development, and the best thing about this film is the wine appreciation/knowledge it gives to a vino-newbie. Like a true alcoholic, it left me needing a bit more in my glass than I was given.

Grade: 70

PS: SANDRA OH IS A PIECE OF CRAP

Sin City

James says:

Ok, time for one of the more polarizing movies I’ve ever seen. After this movie came out, I remember having long, drawn out, boring talks with people about how the acting was awful. My response to them was, and still is, that it’s really, really over the top. And if you were paying any attention at all to the rest of the movie, you would notice that the movie is REALLY, REALLY OVER THE TOP. The explanation for this is really fucking simple, too: the movie is based on a comic book. Anyone who has read the comic can tell you that it’s completely and utterly absurd, but that’s half the charm. Everything about it is larger than life (especially Marv), and the acting in the movie reflects this. Truth be told, it can get a bit grating at times, when everyone is acting so damn simple all the time.

In addition to that, the visual style of the movie is absolutely stunning, with a lot of black and white complementing the bursts of color. The heroes, played by Mickey Rourke, Clive Owen, and Bruce Willis, are all awesome. Just plain fucking awesome. They exist to kick ass, and they rule at it. All three of their stories are very satisfying on a visceral level, and they each have great little nods to each other in the form of tiny cameos from different characters. The endings are all extremely appropriate, too. When a character finds himself in a situation from which there is no possible means of escape that would make any sense, then you can rest assured that this character just doesn’t escape. And Marv’s ending in particular is the most badass thing that ever was.

If none of that other stuff is enough for you, at one point during this movie the viewer is treated to Elijah Wood fighting Mickey Rourke in a no-holds-barred face smashing. It’s an extremely bloody scene that ends with Rutger Hauer clutching the severed head of the kid from “Flipper” and being really sad. This brief clilp alone is worth the price of admission. This movie is definitely not for the weak-stomached, since red tends to be the primary color, and most of that color is coming out of various gaping wounds.

Grade: 80

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

SCHUYLER VS IZZY

Schuyler says:

As a young boy in Pompton Plains, NJ, trips to ye olde barber shoppe were at their best “numbing” and at

their worst “quite unpleasant”. Jerry, a heavyset I-talian in his mid-fifties would sit me down in his chair, ask me “Howwa youa doin, kid?”, and begin to lube his hands up with that watery-piss mixture that barbers just love to douse customers with. After bursting into song about his long-lost wife, Jerry proceeded to slash my throat and turn me into a meatpie.

No…I think I stole some of that from Sweeney Todd. I WISH my barber would do that to me.

I loved ST:TDBOFS more than I’ve loved any modern musical-film, hands down. It sucks the wind out of Chicago, evicts Rent, crucifies Jesus Christ Superstar…and here’s why I loved it so much:

-Johnny Depp finally removes the bad child-molestation taste (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, as the Michael Jackson-Wonka) from our mouths with an amazing performance, giving the audience a clinic in exciting insatiable rage. If Severus Snape raped my wife and got me tossed in prison for 15 years, I’d make him eat his own dick, and then some.

-Helena Bonham Carter-Burton-Clinton-McKenzie, despite her abusive nomenclature, becomes MORE WHITER, MORE GOTHICER, and MORE GIVING TYLER DURDEN A BEEJ than ever! She’s not a fantastic singer, but she is a fantastic British girl, and apparently that lands you great roles these days. Also, Tim Burton can’t have sex with clay figures, so her skills are more than appropriate for the role.

-Timothy Spall (see also: Peter Pettigrew) nails this role. He had to study for years in order to gain the proper insight on just how one acts like a fat, digusting, snivling old pervert. Get it? Because that’s who he is? In real life? The duet he sings with Alan Rickman is a favorite (he spend two verses sucking up to Rickman’s character, begging just to please be permitted to just please be allowed to just please say something). Spall’s best ever character, beating Pettigrew and that guy from Enchanted.

HATED HATED HATED HATED HATED TOBY: I wanted Depp to revert to Wonka-mode, touching Toby’s crotch-candy. In his self-hatred and internal disgust, Toby would slice his own throat, leaving Sweeney Todd to live until he dies of old-age.

Grade: 95

Izzy says:

Can I just say that Sweeney Todd rocked my socks off? Because I think I just did. When I was sitting in that dark theatre, next to my significant other (or S.O., as the kids are calling it nowadays), watching the credits at the beginning of the movie, I almost laughed out loud when I saw that Sacha Baron Cohen was in the film. It would’ve been really funny if Ali G did a cameo…just like, waltzed in all “BOOYAKASHA! I’s here with my main man, Sweeney Todd, who likes to slice up people’s necks. Iz dat like, legal?”

Or just ran across the street naked a la Borat accompanied by Ken Davitian (AKA Huge Hairy Fat Man) and long black rectangles over private parts.

But this was not the case. Sacha Baron Cohen actually played a really smarmy greasy fake-Italian barber who also made a piss-smelling hair elixer. It’s awesome to hear him sing. Especially when he sings “My elixer is piss! WHO SAYS THIS?” And when he beats up Toby, because I hate Toby too.

I just love the whole musical aspect of this film. A couple of great songs that I consistently get stuck in my head (mostly because I own the soundtrack and listen to it very often) are “The Worst Pies in London” (sang by Helena Bonham Carter), “Pretty Women” (because hearing Alan Rickman sing is music to my ears…literally!), and “I Feel You, Joanna”.

Actually, that last one is kind of a joke, because the most dispensable character in the whole film, Anthony Hope (played by some guy no one cares about because he’s a pretty bad actor) sings it to some chick he’s never met before that he just think she looks pretty in a window. The main words to the song are “I Feel You, Joanna”. Instead of listening to those lyrics, I’d rather substitute something more comical…like, “I peel you, banana.”

On another note, everyone in this film is wearing 400 lbs of white makeup. Apparently everyone in London is white and it’s never sunny. The only scene in the movie where it’s NOT dark, rainy, smoky, or just evil-looking is when Helena Bonham Carter is imagining her and “Missah Todd” vacationing on the English Channel. The costumes were awesome. Sweeney Todd’s bathing suit looks like the stereotypical black-and-white stripes one would see in prison on a cartoon. It’s also pretty neat to see two very pasty people sitting in the sun. I hope they brought SPF 60 because they are going to need it.

I loved this film. It’s so worth seeing. I tell everyone this, and now I’m telling you.

Grade: 96

AVERAGE GRADE: 95.5