Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

SCHUYLER VS IZZY

Schuyler says:

As a young boy in Pompton Plains, NJ, trips to ye olde barber shoppe were at their best “numbing” and at

sweeney.jpg

their worst “quite unpleasant”. Jerry, a heavyset I-talian in his mid-fifties would sit me down in his chair, ask me “Howwa youa doin, kid?”, and begin to lube his hands up with that watery-piss mixture that barbers just love to douse customers with. After bursting into song about his long-lost wife, Jerry proceeded to slash my throat and turn me into a meatpie.

No…I think I stole some of that from Sweeney Todd. I WISH my barber would do that to me.

I loved ST:TDBOFS more than I’ve loved any modern musical-film, hands down. It sucks the wind out of Chicago, evicts Rent, crucifies Jesus Christ Superstar…and here’s why I loved it so much:

-Johnny Depp finally removes the bad child-molestation taste (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, as the Michael Jackson-Wonka) from our mouths with an amazing performance, giving the audience a clinic in exciting insatiable rage. If Severus Snape raped my wife and got me tossed in prison for 15 years, I’d make him eat his own dick, and then some.

-Helena Bonham Carter-Burton-Clinton-McKenzie, despite her abusive nomenclature, becomes MORE WHITER, MORE GOTHICER, and MORE GIVING TYLER DURDEN A BEEJ than ever! She’s not a fantastic singer, but she is a fantastic British girl, and apparently that lands you great roles these days. Also, Tim Burton can’t have sex with clay figures, so her skills are more than appropriate for the role.

-Timothy Spall (see also: Peter Pettigrew) nails this role. He had to study for years in order to gain the proper insight on just how one acts like a fat, digusting, snivling old pervert. Get it? Because that’s who he is? In real life? The duet he sings with Alan Rickman is a favorite (he spend two verses sucking up to Rickman’s character, begging just to please be permitted to just please be allowed to just please say something). Spall’s best ever character, beating Pettigrew and that guy from Enchanted.

HATED HATED HATED HATED HATED TOBY: I wanted Depp to revert to Wonka-mode, touching Toby’s crotch-candy. In his self-hatred and internal disgust, Toby would slice his own throat, leaving Sweeney Todd to live until he dies of old-age.

Grade: 95

Izzy says:

Can I just say that Sweeney Todd rocked my socks off? Because I think I just did. When I was sitting in that dark theatre, next to my significant other (or S.O., as the kids are calling it nowadays), watching the credits at the beginning of the movie, I almost laughed out loud when I saw that Sacha Baron Cohen was in the film. It would’ve been really funny if Ali G did a cameo…just like, waltzed in all “BOOYAKASHA! I’s here with my main man, Sweeney Todd, who likes to slice up people’s necks. Iz dat like, legal?”

Or just ran across the street naked a la Borat accompanied by Ken Davitian (AKA Huge Hairy Fat Man) and long black rectangles over private parts.

But this was not the case. Sacha Baron Cohen actually played a really smarmy greasy fake-Italian barber who also made a piss-smelling hair elixer. It’s awesome to hear him sing. Especially when he sings “My elixer is piss! WHO SAYS THIS?” And when he beats up Toby, because I hate Toby too.

I just love the whole musical aspect of this film. A couple of great songs that I consistently get stuck in my head (mostly because I own thesweeneystill1-4823780p.jpg soundtrack and listen to it very often) are “The Worst Pies in London” (sang by Helena Bonham Carter), “Pretty Women” (because hearing Alan Rickman sing is music to my ears…literally!), and “I Feel You, Joanna”.

Actually, that last one is kind of a joke, because the most dispensable character in the whole film, Anthony Hope (played by some guy no one cares about because he’s a pretty bad actor) sings it to some chick he’s never met before that he just think she looks pretty in a window. The main words to the song are “I Feel You, Joanna”. Instead of listening to those lyrics, I’d rather substitute something more comical…like, “I peel you, banana.”

On another note, everyone in this film is wearing 400 lbs of white makeup. Apparently everyone in London is white and it’s never sunny. The only scene in the movie where it’s NOT dark, rainy, smoky, or just evil-looking is when Helena Bonham Carter is imagining her and “Missah Todd” vacationing on the English Channel. The costumes were awesome. Sweeney Todd’s bathing suit looks like the stereotypical black-and-white stripes one would see in prison on a cartoon. It’s also pretty neat to see two very pasty people sitting in the sun. I hope they brought SPF 60 because they are going to need it.

I loved this film. It’s so worth seeing. I tell everyone this, and now I’m telling you.

Grade: 96

AVERAGE GRADE: 95.5

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2 Responses to “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”

  1. carpenoctemtomorrow Says:

    Hahaha, this was a great double review. The only thing I disagree with is I actually liked Toby. Comon, the very end with him and Sweeney…didn’t you think “owned” just a little bit?

  2. metblack85 Says:

    No, I didn’t think he owned.
    Toby was annoying, just as was Anthony.
    Little boys that look like little girls (and sing like little girls) should stay in their doll house mansions, and stay the fuck outta London, ya ‘ear?

    But thank you for your kind words oh wise Carpenoctetomorrow

    -Schuyler

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