Archive for the C Category

Cannibal Holocaust

Posted in C with tags on March 11, 2009 by cam127

Cam Says:

It’s the middle of the night I can’t sleep and I know why. My repeated flash backs to this film I have just watched… no experienced. Just earlier that day I had come home from vacationing in Florida, now that I am back in Michigan I have a few movies waiting for me that I had ordered from an online store. I flipped through the normal movies that I have just wanted to see and the classics I’ve seen but never bothered to buy and came upon a movie… this movie was Cannibal Holocaust. I have heard many things of this movie how it is the most horrific movie to come out in ages, ever in a few instances. Ruggero Deodato directed this movie filmed on location in the “Green Inferno”. I have now found that you don’t watch this movie, you experience it.

I go to my work and show a co-worker whom also really likes just those gritty, horrific just gore and blood movies. I bring my portal DVD player and put on a few of the scenes, he is in total shock and horror as I flip through the movie. As he asks to borrow it to actually see the movie I hesitate, something shocking hits me and I realize that I enjoyed this movie tremendously and want to watch it again… this scares me. I find I don’t need the movie, it keeps playing over in my mind.

I put in the movie for the first time and am greeted with a “Grind House” title sequence I’ve seen somewhere else but I can’t put my finger on it. I am prepared for everything. The clock hits 11:00 PM and I press play. The movie begins in some sort of documentary introduction, my expectations and hopes die slightly here, though this lasts only for a few minutes. Before I know it I’m shifted into the jungle with a few explorers trying to find another expedition that has gone missing. (Alright before I continue I just want to say if you are going to a new country and people go missing, get the fuck out! This isn’t Saving Private Ryan this is man for himself)… okay back to the review. So these decent guys go into the “Green Inferno” looking for scientific crap we don’t care about but they mention it just to make it seem more realistic. We are met more and more with graphic scenes of an animal death that is actually real. I can deal with a lot but something like that is pretty bad, I wince for a moment then I’m back in the game, after all I guess they did eat it. After a couple of scenes of meeting the locals and finding a few things from the previous expedition we are shot into the last expedition’s point of view and the stories their camera’s film. This is a whole new level. I have drawn lines and these walks over, jogs up and down and squats on this line of sanity. I feel ill and I want to turn it off, I’m looking for the remote to shut off the DVD Player/ Surround Sound system. I desperately grab at anything, but am distracted from the fear and regret and enjoyment of this movie. I can’t give away anything else but this is a movie that will confront you with rape, sex, violence, and just plain cruelty. This movie uses no cheap scares or ideas that “The Boogey Man is coming to get you” kind of thing, nor does it imply any spiritual reasoning or ghost explanation, this gives you the cold facts. I think everyone draws a line in their mind and says where you should just close your eyes and black it out, this movie is verging on this line… but I can’t shut it off. I’m mesmerized by the reality of the horror and brute force, castrations with rocks and impaled women. I finally grab a hold of the remote control and my finger draws near the off button but I stop. This movie with no moral values and no point to the blood shed has taken a hold of my mind and dragged me into the swampy, jungle, cannibal infested forest that is the Green Inferno.

After only ten days after the premier the movie was met with an obstacle that no other mainstream movie I can recall faced, the courts. Ruggero Deodato was put in trial and facing the murder of the four expedition’ers and the murder of the impaled woman. After the contract the producers and director forged with the actors to stay off the Hollywood scene had to be broken in order to get out of a life sentence in prison, the courts began their attack from a different angle. They banned the movie from audiences, yet Ruggero Deodato and others from the production of the movie fought this for 3 years before allowing the movie to receive a VM18 rating.

When considering to rent or buy this movie keep in mind that the director was put on trial for this movie, that it has been banned in countries all over the world. This is not by any means a movie for the light hearted or ‘easy stomached’. I have been watching horror movies all my life and have follow the likes of Tom Savini yet this is something in itself. Italians are the only ones making the true horror movies anymore, this is a wonderful and remarkable piece of art that shouldn’t and won’t be forgotten for many, many years to come. A definite buy, I purchased my copy from, it’s something like 18 or 19 dollars for this film. Do not delay, if you can stomach the horror then you are obligated to watch this movie.

The only complaint I would have is that most of the special features are in Italian with English Subtitles but this still doesn’t detract from the movie itself. A true classic of the horror scene:

Grade: For horror lovers: 89 Anyone else: 73


A Charlie Brown Christmas

Posted in C with tags , , on December 9, 2008 by Schuyler

Schuyler says:

This will be brief. A Charlie Brown Christmas is about 28 minutes long. I think it’s only fair that I charlie_brown_christmasspend 1/3 of the time reviewing what is essentially only 1/3 of a movie. Whatever, you’re not paying me.

As cute and traditional as Charlie Brown movies have become…at EVERY holiday, I find that the only good part about them is the fact that they are traditional…Charlie Brown is on, must be approaching a holiday. It’s almost like a media alarm clock. When you’re struggling to finish Christmas shopping (even though there’s still turkey digesting in your stomach), a “Charlie-Brown-jon” alarm clock [10 pts if you guess “Kill Bill: Volume 1”] can freak you out.

Aside from the context, the movies/shows/specials are actually pretty lame. The mood throughout is bland, melancholy, and pretty much the opposite of happy. Charlie Brown will complain about his apparent lack of endorphines, and Lucy will explain that its because his face sucks. Then Charlie Brown will attempt to do his best Boston College Football fieldgoal impression, ending up square on his ass.

When I see holiday films, particularly Christmas, I wanna see Rankin-Bass, I wanna hear happy charlie-brown-treesongs, I’ll even appreciate non-funny Tim Allen jokes. I just don’t want 50-year-old Emo cartoons telling me why Christmas sucks. We’re all coping with the tough parts of Christmas, Brown. Wait until you have to decide whether to go to your family’s for Christmas or your girlfriend’s family’s place. Wait until you have $1000 Christmas shopping bills. Wait until you get laid off in December, during prime expense season. Wait until you have to deal with Black Friday foot traffic just to find the items you need to buy for others before they disappear.

You have NO RESPONSIBILITIES! SHUT OFF! Oh, and someone needs to murder Snoopy. That dog is a piece of crap.

Grade: 66

The Crow

Posted in C with tags , , , , , on February 4, 2008 by Schuyler

Schuyler says:

The fact that this review wasn’t the first review I ever wrote is shameful. I’m going to say this now: The Crow is my favorite movie ever. I’ll laud it and bash it, but the following comments do not in any way effect the fact that I worship this movie like many worship Moses or Taylor Hicks.


-Star Brandon Lee DIES during the movie. Not only does the main character, Eric Draven, die and come back to life and die again…but thecrow.gif actual actor playing him is killed by a prop-weapons malfunction towards the end of filming. Brandon Lee is the son of Kung Fu legend Bruce Lee. BOTH father AND son died during the filming of a movie when they were in their early 30s.

Don’t get me wrong, Lee’s death was a travesty, and was a tremendous loss to the cinema world, but it only goes to add tremendous intensity to the energy behind the film. Knowing that information, when you watch this movie you FEEL the pain of the character, because the death just seems REAL.

–Ernie Hudson, who plays every good black cop not named Carl Winslow, appears in all his glory. His no-bullshit attitude, loyalty to the law, and compassion for the weak make him an unhateable cop. Quite a rare breed. He is a great accessory character, one of the best I’ve seen in a film with a solitary main character.

–Child actor Rochelle Davis (who plays Sarah), is not a very good actress. Granted, this was the first work she is credited with doing. It is, however, a solid first effort for a ten year old smart-ass girl. However, she is so traumatized by the death of acting-friend Lee that she never acts again. JESUS CHRIST is this movie intense, both in the scenes and behind them.

–Conceptually, this movie is great. The Crow is just short of immortal (who doesn’t love a superhero who doesn’t take no shit from nobody), although his real superpower might be spitting out clever one-liners before killing his latest revenge-victim.


–Ling Bai, the Asian chick who has sex with/does drugs with primary goth-baddy Michael Wincott (The Count of Monte Cristo), is creepy. I don’t know that her creepitude is intentional, and I’m pretty sure this actress considers herself sexy. She is not. She does tocorvo.jpg erections what Mongols do to long walls. She also puts on about 4 sticks of lipstick to make it look like she has Angelina Jolie lips. I’m not sure she even has a mouth. Matter’o’fact, I WISH she didn’t have a mouth, because the 3 lines she has in the movie set all Asian peoples back about 10,000 years.

–The villians, save Wincott, are all a little one-dimensional and silly. I don’t blame Brandon Lee for this, as he is infallible, I blame writer David J. Schow. Fuck you, Dave.

— Sarah’s heroine-whore mom, Darla, is a poor man’s Drew Barrymore. Problem is, Drew Barrymore is already a poor man’s…….female human being. This puts her pretty low on the food chain, as her looks, voice, and general acting aptitude are unacceptable for a film of this magnitude. The revisionist historian in me likes to forget she was ever cast.

–When Lee’s hand is blown off by tertiary-baddy Funboy, we see through the bullet hole in Lee’s HORRIBLY ANIMATRONIC hand. I’m pretty sure they stole that thing right off of President Lincoln in the Disney Hall of American Presidents. It’s 1994, not 1894. Pay some CGI guy $50 to make a legit looking CG hand.

STILL a fucking awesome film that has shaped my life forever.



Posted in C with tags , , , , , on February 3, 2008 by itlacksoomph


Joe says:

There are a few spoilers in here, so hit the back button if youcloverfield-poster-thumb.jpg don’t want any of it ruined for you (though if I had known some of these things I’m about to write beforehand, I might not have seen it).

So there’s this monster that comes in and terrorizes New York City. We don’t know what it is, where it’s from, how it got there, or what happened to it. I’ve been asked to describe what it looks like, but I can’t do it adequately. It’s just a big freaking non-lizard lizard (yeah, I know…:() with long limbs and spider-like creatures falling from it.

Anyhoo, the movie is told from the point of view of a few party-goers in NYC as the events are being taped on a home video camera, with basically everyone dying one by one. You’re watching a party that’s going nowhere for a while, and you’re just sitting there wondering “where the hell is the big BOOM already?” It finally happens, and there’s panic–lots of it.

It was unique and dizzying, but mostly gruesome–probably the most bloody, graphic movie I’ve ever seen. The scene where that one girl literally blows up…now that’s something you shouldn’t take grandma to see [Editor’s Note: I took Joseph’s grandma to see this film. She was quite pleased, and very frisky.] In fact, anyone with a heart condition should avoid this movie like the Plague (do people still get that?)

Bottom line: if you like to watch almost completely inconclusive movies where everyone gets picked off and there’s nothing even close to a happy ending, then this is what you’ve been waiting for. And hey, the characters might not have been real, but they do have their own MySpace pages. That makes it all worth it. (pause) Well, not really, but it was interesting.

Grade: 86

Izzy says:

To put it bluntly, Cloverfield is The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen. It is an especially poor film to see in theatres. I wanted to leave the theatre after the first ten minutes, and here’s why.

a) The Camcorder perspective – this whole film was done in “Home Movie Mode”. They didn’t have to pay any cameramen because one JVC $100 camcorder and a guy who obviously doesn’t know how to hold it properly (more on that later) was sufficient for this film. I thought the whole “Look, I’m a dude holding a camcorder and you’re seeing the film from the camcorder’s perspective, isn’t this SOOOOO innovating?!!” was going to last about five minutes and then the “real” cameras would pan out and show the film in better quality. Alas, this was not the case. If I wanted to see a home movie, I’d pop in one that my dad made while we were vacationing in Disneyworld when I was seven. At least that was entertaining…at some point, I wear a huge sombrero and say “ADIOS AMIGOS!” and smile a big, toothless smile. And it’s fucking adorable. Now THAT’S good use of a camcorder…and as cute as that may be, I wouldn’t pay to see that. And I PAID to see Cloverfield. More on THAT later.

b) The Shaking – Oh mother of god, the shaking. I’m not stupid – I KNOW the point of this godforsaken film is that it’s supposed to look very realistic, and real people shake the camcorder when they’re running with it. They move it around when they’re trying to get out of “dangerous” situations. But say you’re watching this film in a theatre. Say the theatre is SO FUCKING FULL that you have to sit in the 2nd to front row so you’re staring up at the screen. The shaking becomes a real fucking problem. You have to consistently adjust your eyes to the screen. You have to do it SO often that it becomes fucking painful. On a sidenote, I love rollercoasters. I love going fast and getting spun around and going backwards and forwards and whathaveyou. But this isn’t Cedar Point (props to those who know what I’m taking about), this is cinema!! Unless I’m seeing a 3D Adventure film a la Beowulf, I want my theatre experience to be done properly, with smooth, talented camera work…not shaking. Shaking is bad. Bad shaking bad.

c) The Acting – I knew from the beginning that none of the actors in this film are famous. That’s fine. I’ve seen plenty of movies with unrecognizable actors that won my heart over. And I can see how it’s particularly applicable to use no-name actors in this film because it’s supposed to be “realistic”…as in, this could happen to anyone, not just Angelina Jolie and Harrison Ford (although I wish Laura Linney were in this film and she had blown up from the inside because a giant spider attacked her like one of the characters in the movie…oh did I SPOIL it for you? Did I SPOIL this magnificent film for you? I hope I did so you won’t be tempted to see it), but the point is, even with unknown actors one would expect a little acting expertise. None of the actors knew how to act. None of them. They were all terrible at it. I thought it was all very fake looking. And none of the characters were very developed. For example, the guy whose going away party it was (Rob? Yes?) slept with some chick and cheated on his girlfriend. Schuyler’s mom would say he is a bad person, and I agree, he is. What makes him even WORSE is that he feels compelled to put his and his friends’ lives in danger by trying to rescue his little whore. Apparently he’s in love with this “Beth” person. He’s slept with her ONCE. What is he, a 13 year old girl? “Ohhh I gave myself to this person and now I’m in love!!!” Lame. Go save your girlfriend you piece of shit. I have no sympathy for him, or his love interest. I mean, if this relationship had been developed a little more, maybe I’d understand. But I can’t just ASSUME things.

d) The Monster – the monster was SO RIDICULOUSLY LAME. I mean, come on…what is that thing? Is it made of plaster? paper mache? I have no idea. Is it a lizard? Is it a monkey? And why on earth does it shit out spiders from its orifices? It’s just ridiculous. It’s not even scary. We get to see it for about 10 minutes the entire film. I’d say that’s a pretty big cocktease. And then the monster “magically” ends up outside the city to KILL the camera man (OH MAN! DID I SPOIL IT FOR YOU AGAIN?!?!?!) when the entire police force/CIA/FBI is evacuating the whole city to blow the monster up inside it!!! What’s the point of blowing up the city if the monster is OUTSIDE the city? It makes no sense. At all. Or maybe they were still in the city, although it looked like they were outside. Do you see what I mean? MAJOR plot holes. MAJOR inaccuracies.

e) Three words: BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. “Oh my god! I am so scared! I’m going to cry into the camera and tell the camera how scared I am in case anyone ends up seeing this after I’m dead! OHHH GOD IM GOING TO DIE WAAAAHHHHHHH!” Pathetic. So fucking pathetic and unrealistic. Go to LA. Get some acting lessons. If I wanted to see Blair Witch 3, I’d rent it in the 99 cent rental bin at the local…Rent-A-Shitflick.

f) I paid to see this film. I am a poor college student, yet I gave up about $9 to see this ridiculous display of cinematography. I should’ve asked for my money back because the shaking gave me a headache. I should’ve asked for my money back because the acting, plot, and film itself made me wish I had that…1 hour and 2 minutes back.

I give this film the worst rating possible for the worst movie ever.

Grade: 10

James says:

I’d like to begin by respectfully telling Izzy to eat a dick. I saw “Cloverfield” last weekend, and found it to be thoroughly entertaining. Yes, if you’re a total bitch and can’t handle a little bit of jiggling (I’ve seen her in a low-cut dress, she can handle jiggling), it might be difficult to handle. But for those of us with iron constitutions, the movie takes the viewer on a crazy, relentless rush through a NYC under siege by a gigantic, mysterious monster. Now, I’d like to address some more (but not all) of her complaints.

The acting. Yes, the acting is not going to win an Oscar, but who cares! You don’t go see a movie about a giant monster wrecking shit to revel in the masterful performances. If you did, they would’ve hired Michael Caine or something. You go to see people who aren’t much more than walking snacks trying to escape certain death. And as for the main character’s motivation for trying to save the girl, yes, they only had sex once. But the other characters make any number of references to the fact that they’ve had feelings for each other for quite some time. It’s all in the details, damnit.

The monster. I thought the monster was kickass. It didn’t look at all like what I had expected, being essentially a giant torso with two arms, a tail, and a kickass fishhead. I especially liked that you never find out exactly where it came from or what the fuck is going on. Too many movies that strive for realism have that moment where the main civilian characters, who are unarmed and untrained and nothing more than a hinderance to a military operation, get sat down by the Colonel or whoever, who launches into a “This is what we know…” speech. THAT would’ve been bullshit. These army guys do nothing more than shuffle them through their base, trying to get them out of the city. They don’t know what’s going on either, and what are the odds that anyone would know anything after only a few hours? As for it not being seen a lot, I disagree. You get some damn good views of it, otherwise I could never have described it as artistically as I did.

The plot holes. WRONG WRONG WRONG YOU ARE WRONG. I will forgive Izzy because she’s from the Deep South, but in NYC there is this little thing called Central Park. It’s a big…park…in the middle of the city, and it happens to be where the helicopter crashes. Hell, the opening screen tells you that the movie will end there with the text revealing that the tape was found in the Park.

There are rumors that a second film is in consideration, a companion to the first one that would possibly shed some light on what was really going on with some of the unanswered questions raised during the movie. But in my opinion, getting those answers usually just ruins things. It’s much more fun to simply come up with your own ideas, because they will resonate far more with YOU THE VIEWER rather than what the writers of the film feel is scariest. I’d be interested in this companion mostly because it would tell the story of the attack from a completely different perspective.

I’m tempted to give this movie a ridiculous score just to piss off Izzy more than she’s already going to be, but I won’t. While I did really enjoy it, it wasn’t a perfect film. The pacing was a bit off in the beginning, and I can’t deny that the acting wasn’t too great some of the time. It was still a thoroughly entertaining ride, however, and if you feel at all inclined to seeing big monsters blowing things up and being elusive, see this movie.

Grade: 90