Archive for the 0-9 Numbers Category

30 Days of Night

Posted in 0-9 Numbers with tags , , , , on February 23, 2008 by theroboticdan

Dan says:

Last Halloween saw it’s many choices for Horror movies. Me? I saw 30 Days of Night, opting out of the Saw franchise once and for all.30days2.jpg Before I caught the flick I went down to Borders and gave a gander to the first graphic novel in the series that the film was based on. Set mostly out on the Alaskan tundra in a dim blizzard, the art had a fuzzy/blurry style which greatly contrasted with the invading vampires, who had twisted faces and mouths full of sharp teeth. The film matched this style well enough, it was less like 300 and Sin City than I thought it would be, but thats all for the better, watching a slice and dice horror film like this requires less of an artistic approach anyways. The more artsy it is, the less realistic it is, and the harder it is for me to get frightened.

The beginning was really, really slow but it picked up. I really enjoyed how the vampires looked and talked, they rarely spoke in English and that made them extremely effective as serious horror characters. It makes so much sense that they would move to an area that has a month of darkness each year. Alaska is Vampire heaven! In that respect, I also greatly enjoyed the small Alaskan town as a character. They used the town’s unique traits well, secluded and dark for days on end, houses designed for snowstorms, snow clearing machinery, a pipeline right on the outskirts of the town, all were ripe for plot twists and tone. Only one thing didn’t make sense… it was a small town with only about 60 houses max, why didn’t the vampires tear each house apart from top to bottom in their quest for fresh victims? Its certainly not because they weren’t invited in, they seem to have no trouble entering other houses uninvited, so that old vampire idea is out. Instead they hang around rooftops for an entire30days.jpg month, waiting for their victims to run out of food and do something stupid like run to the store.

In the end, if you can handle Josh Hartnett for over an hour, you may enjoy 30 Days of Night. However, there is little replay value beyond the first sitting. The humans weren’t memorable enough to require repeat viewings, I certainly didn’t miss anything the first time around. There was an old guy, a heavy set funny guy, a hot girl, a handsome hero guy. Trapped in a small town with a great evil descending. Haven’t we seen this before? The scares weren’t plentiful enough to make it a yearly Halloween rental either. Instead we have a flick with perfect vampires and a few quality kills. To me, that merits a strong first watch but a forgettable film afterwards.

Grade: 82

300

Posted in 0-9 Numbers with tags , , , , , , , on February 3, 2008 by Schuyler

Schuyler says:

the-300-spartans-print-c12180827.jpeg

I want to say “I liked 300” right now. Get that shit out of the way. It was a cool movie. Yay!

Now, on to the pwn’ing.

I swear to God I never saw more than 26 Spartans on camera at once. The producers didn’t feel the same passion within their hearts that the Spartans felt as they bore down upon 50,000 Persians (omg, imagine the BO…I know one Persian who smells bad enough when in isolation…well he’s from Peru. Fuck you) to cast more than like 26 fucking EXTRAS (at a whopping $215 a pop) to portray the brave and scantily-clad Spartan army.

Remember this shit from Kill Bill 1? The Crazy 88? More like the Crazy…..less than 88! SIGNIFICANTLY less! Try 31!

Also, we know there are plenty of inbred, mutated pieces of shit in society to create an army out of them (see also: PETA), but the creatures featured in 300 (which is supposed to be historically inclined) are laughable. My favorite was the Sally Struthers look-alike that had giant saw blades instead of arms. Imagine the amount of food Sally Struthers could ingest if she could cut it up AS SHE’S PICKING IT UP! It’d be one less pit stop on the way to her stomach. Increased efficiency, that’s what we’re talking about!300.jpg

Favorite scene: Queen Empowered-woman stabbing Councilman Dickscratch in the stomach because he called her a ho. You don’t call a Spartan woman a ho…you just don’t.

It’s like calling an Emerson girl…………………….on the phone.

Anyway, I acknowledge that 300 is not supposed to be a deep movie, just a kick-ass action movie with lots of blood and dead Persians, so I’ll give it top ratings for that. I will take off a few points for full-frontal male nudity and deformed creepy abortion-survivors.

Grade: 92

Izzy says:

What I liked about 300:santoro.jpg

1) Rodrigo Santoro. This guy was in Love, Actually as Laura “I’m such a stupid bitch for leaving an attractive Latino man in my bed to look after my crazy-ass brother who wants an exorcism because he’s stupid and crazy and I’m stupid and crazy for leaving Rodrigo” Linney’s love interest. (Reviewer’s Note: I initially got so side-tracked by Laura Linney’s extensive middle name that I originally ended my sentence after Laura Linney…and then I realized my sentence was “Rodrigo Santoro played…Laura Linney.” Yeah, he was a kick-ass Laura Linney.) Anyway…yes. So Santoro. Pecks. Hung. Sexy.

2) See Above.

Grade: 90

AVERAGE GRADE: 91