Archive for the T Category

Top Hat and The Gay Divorcee

Posted in T with tags , , , on May 7, 2009 by jennyjuniper21

Jenny says:

They just don’t make them like they used to. Top Hat and The Gay Divorcee, two movies starring the eternal dancing duo, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, represent a time (in Hollywood at least) when romance was innocent and fun, love and happy endings were assured, and catchy dance numbers were plentiful. They also represent a time when Hollywood assumed that most people who went to the movies were at least somewhat educated. Seriously, The Gay Divorcee has jokes about geologists and Top Hat includes a reference to Gertrude Stein. Unlike the absolute crap so abundantly churned out in Hollywood today, the filmmakers of yesteryear didn’t always dumb down their movies to please an audience of Neanderthals who want their kids taught “Young Earth Creationism” in elementary school.

 

But I digress…

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Top Hat and The Gay Divorcee are kind of like dancing porn. You see, in porno movies, the entire “plot” revolves around getting the characters to have sex. In these two Fred and Ginger movies, the plot revolves around getting the characters to dance…and dance…and dance some more. In fact, the plots of the movies are quite similar: In Top Hat, Fred plays American dancer Jerry Travers, who is staying in a hotel in England with his friend Horace Hardwick (played by the hilarious Edward Everett Horton). One night, Jerry starts randomly tap-dancing in his hotel room and wakes up Dale Tremont (played by Ginger Rogers), who is a friend of Madge Hardwick, Horace’s wife. When Dale confronts Jerry, Jerry instantly falls in love with her and, despite her annoyance, starts to follow her around, stalker-like, in an attempt to woo her. Through a series of mix-ups, Dale ends up thinking that Jerry is Horace and therefore married to her best friend. Much hilarity (and dancing) ensues until the end, where the mistake is revealed and Dale and Jerry are free to dance into the sunset.

 

In The Gay Divorcee, Ginger plays Mimi Glossop, a young and unhappily married woman whose husband will not grant her a divorce. Mimi’s eccentric and daffy aunt hires a lawyer, Egbert Fitzgerald (again, played by Edward Everett Horton) to help Mimi. Egbert hires a “correspondent” to pretend to be Mimi’s lover and arranges a detective to catch Mimi and the professional “lover” in flagrante delicto. That way, Mimi’s husband will surely grant her the much hoped for divorce. Problem is, Egbert’s friend, American dancer Guy Holden (that’s Freddie A.), is staying with him. And when Guy and Mimi meet cute, Guy instantly falls in love with her and, despite her annoyance, starts to follow her around, stalker-like, in an attempt to woo her. See what I mean about the plots basically being the same? Well, anyhoo, Mimi ends up thinking that Guy is the hired professional she’s supposed to be caught doing the nasty with, and so she thinks his murmurings of adoration are all part of the act. But not to worry…by the end of the film, the mistake is revealed (and it is also revealed that Mimi’s husband has a *gasp * second wife stashed away in France, leaving her free to get a legal divorce) and Mimi and Guy are free to dance off into the sunset.

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So why would I waste my time on two movies that are basically the same? Because they’re fun! The jokes are clever, the dancing is great, and the chemistry between Fred and Ginger works so well. For movies made in the mid-1930’s, Top Hat and The Gay Divorcee feel fresh and modern enough to have come out last week (minus all the dumbed down tropes of modern film I mentioned earlier). The cinematography also looks amazingly polished. I mean, The Gay Divorcee came out in 1934, same year as It Happened One Night, the Clark Gable/Claudette Colbert rom-com, and while It Happened One Night looks…just…old in some parts, The Gay Divorcee avoids looking like it crawled out of the silent era. You kind of have to see the two movies to know what I’m talking about. Also, for two movies that came out post-“code” (i.e. The Hays Code, which basically censored naughty stuff in movies) Top Hat and The Gay Divorcee get away with some seriously dirty jokes (well, dirty by 1930’s standards). C’mon! The Gay Divorcee is basically a celebration of adultery!

 

The only bone I have to pick with the two films is that they both get a little bogged down in the final 20 minutes. In the last third of the movie, The Gay Divorcee launches into a dance-and-song sequence (called “The Continental”) that literally goes on for about 15 minutes. That’s 1/7th of the entire film dedicated to that one song. Top Hat also features some unnecessary dance numbers, which come after the iconic “Cheek to Cheek” scene. In both movies, the two best songs (in my humble opinion) happen a little over halfway through the movie and then every thing else afterwards seems lame and boring by comparison. But that’s just my opinion. Maybe people in the ‘30’s freakin’ loved “The Continental” and “The Piccolino”…but I found both to be boring and superfluous.

 

The Continental: no divorcee, just plain gay.

The Continental: no divorcee, just plain gay.

In conclusion, if you consider yourself a connoisseur of film, then watch a couple Fred and Ginger movies. You owe it to the Golden Age of Hollywood. And you owe it to yourself. These movies might be a little cheesy and naïve, compared to the oeuvre of Todd Solondz and P.T. Anderson, but dammit, they featured some frickin’ good dancing!

 

Grade: Top Hat: 87; The Gay Divorcee: 85 (points deducted for “The Continental”)

Towelhead

Posted in T with tags , , , on February 13, 2009 by jennyjuniper21

Jenny says:

Towelhead hurts. This is a painful, difficult film. Writer/director Alan Ball pulls off a tale of suburban dysfunction that completely out-dysfunctions what he did with American Beauty 10 years ago. If you are a person who sees films to be entertained, or to pass the time, or to laugh, then do not see Towelhead because you will hate it. In fact, many people will see this film and hate it. Their reasoning will be that their experiences are not at all what the main character, Jasira Maroun, experiences. They’ll say “not all teen girls are like that”, “not all men are like that”, “not all Americans are like that”. And, indeed, they’re right. Not everyone has a coming of age experience like Jasira does.

But some people do. And Towelhead holds up a mirror to a dirty, sad side of America that no one wants to see. But it doesn’t mean that that image isn’t truthful.

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Towelhead, based on a novel by Alicia Erian, is about 13-year old half-Lebanese Jasira. The film opens with Jasira’s stepdad telling her how’s she’s prettier than other girls her age and preparing a razor…the camera pans back to reveal Jasira standing there in her underwear with shaving cream slathered on her thighs and bikini line. Yes, her stepdad is helping her shave her pubic hair. And when her mother finds out, she immediately sends Jasira to live with her strict Lebanese father in Houston, Texas. Her mom tells her “This is your fault, you know. The way you stick your boobs out around him…there are ways to act around men and ways not to act around men…”

Jasira’s father, although not a sexual predator, is incredibly strict and sets arbitrary rules for Jasira based on his owned warped sense of morality. When she gets her first period, her father forbids her to use tampons since they are “for married ladies”. Meanwhile, Jasira is intently curious about sexuality, although still naïve and wide-eyed about it (much like any other 13-year old girl). It’s not long before her thirty-something, married neighbor (played bravely and awesomely by Aaron Eckhart) starts to take a very inappropriate interest in her.

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Despite the endless barrage of abuse and unfairness towards Jasira, Towelhead did not strike me as melodramatic or sermonizing. Some viewers will definitely disagree with me and see the movie as unrealistic. For a viewer who is well educated, privileged, and who has never experienced abuse or blatant racism, the film will seem over-the-top. However, many, many people out there and have indeed faced abuse and hatred all their lives and to them, I think, Towelhead will present an all too true portrait of a girl whom adults constantly use. Jasira is used sexually; she’s used emotionally (her mom tries to guilt her into coming back home at one point, showing that sometimes people who should know better have no scruples about putting undue burden on children); she’s used politically. And nearly every time, she’s blamed for the pathetic, wretched behavior of the adults around her.

The fact that Jasira is female and of Middle Eastern descent adds a pretty harsh element to the film. Ideas about blaming the victim, sexualizing young girls while trying to squash their very normal interest in sexuality and bodies, and making assumptions based on race are prevalent. Again, some viewers will find this intolerable…but is anyone willing to state that racism, especially against Middle Easterners doesn’t exist in America today? Is anyone willing to say that girls aren’t sexualized, or that Americans (and people of other cultures) have serious hang-ups about sex? Ok, ok, enough with the defense. I’ll go on the offense now.

Even with the depressing subject matter, Alan Ball infuses Towelhead with a dark humor that makes the movie tolerable and even relatable in some aspects. Anyone familiar with his previous work, such as Six Feet Under or American Beauty will recognize Ball’s penchant for bringing out the grim and absurd humor in the worst circumstances. Ball does not stoop to mawkishness. This is not a Lifetime channel movie (Hell, it’s not directed by Sean Penn either, if you get my drift). Although the subject matter is very emotional, the film does not amp up the emotion more than it needs to. Again, it merely holds up a mirror. Also, Ball does not resort to simple stereotypes. Even the bad guys (and there are many of them) are sympathetic in some ways. They are certainly three-dimensional. And Jasira, although a victim, is not as helpless as she could have been portrayed. She makes dumb and annoying choices just like everyone else.

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Finally, the movie also shows that there are good people in this world by giving Jasira a “rescuer”. Toni Collette plays Jasira’s very pregnant, hip neighbor, Melina, who realizes that something fishy is going on with Jasira and her predatory neighbor. She buys Jasira a copy of Changing Bodies, Changing Lives and gives her a key to her house, saying that if she ever needs to come over, she can–no questions asked. Melina is the ideal parent figure for Jasira—an adult who understands that Jasira is a child and needs rules, but actually cares about Jasira’s thoughts and opinions. She’s the first person to tell Jasira that she’s normal and not a bad girl.

Towelhead made me thank God I’m not a parent yet. I can’t imagine how someone raising a young teen girl must feel every day, knowing that this child of yours is going to someday soon (or maybe even now) face pressure to be sexual, pressure to be beautiful, pressure to live up to everyone’s expectations and not their own expectations. A 13-year old girl in America is very often lucky and blessed to be born in a country where she can vote, choose whom she marries, and go to court if she is beaten or raped. But a 13-year old girl in America is also going to be told (perhaps not outright, but in many subtle ways) that being beautiful comes before anything else, that being attractive to men is of utmost importance—and that if a man does something to her, maybe, just maybe, she brought it upon herself. In Towelhead, Aaron Eckhart’s character has no compunction about manipulating or downright forcing Jasira to do sexual things with him, even though she’s barely reached puberty; but when Jasira actually wants to talk about sex with him, he is incapable of doing so. Jasira’s dad is infuriated when he finds out that the 10-year old boy Jasira baby-sits called her a “towelhead” and a “sand nigger”, but at the same time he does not allow Jasira to hang out with her black guy friend, for fear of her “reputation”. Towelhead is all about the blatant lies we tell ourselves about sex, gender, and race. It presents a side of our culture we’d rather not see. And it is a terribly good, terribly moving film that will force you to confront things inside and outside of you that you’d rather keep buried.

Grade: 97

Teeth

Posted in T with tags , , , , , , on December 4, 2008 by jennyjuniper21

Jenny says:

Dawn is the kind of girl you’d feel comfortable bringing home to Mother: she’s smart, quiet, pretty, and chaste. Oh, so very, very chaste. In fact, Dawn is such a big fan of virginity that she is the star speaker for her school’s abstinence group, excitedly telling local middle school kids, “It’s great to wait”.

One day Dawn and Tobey, a cute guy virgin who admires Dawn’s commitment to waiting, go to the ol’ swimming hole to cool off…and end up making out in a little cave behind a waterfall. It’s a very sweet moment—that is, until Tobey pushes Dawn down, puts his hand over her mouth, whispers “I haven’t jerked off since Easter!” and begins to rape her.

Suddenly, we hear a sickening “crunch” sound. A look of agonizing pain and horror sweeps over Tobey’s face. As the camera pulls back, we realize….dun dun dun…Dawn has the mythical vagina dentata: Latin for “toothed vagina”. In other words, she is blessed with a set of chompers in her vadge. And this is the point where Teeth, a horror-comedy directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein (son of awesome pop artist, Roy Lichtenstein) truly begins.

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I’d like to take a moment here to assure all the guys out there reading this review who might not be very familiar with female anatomy that vagina dentata is a myth. It doesn’t really exist. Although I suppose any medical oddity is theoretically possible, I can assure you that the vast majority of women do not have teeth in their vagina…

…However, almost all women under the age of 75 do have teeth in their mouth. Think about that for a second. Ponder it. Now go buy flowers for the lady (or gentleman, depending on your preference) in your life who is sucking your dick on a regular basis and NOT turning you into a eunuch. Okay? Good. Lecture over. Back to the movie.

Dawn now must come to grips with her newfound power. Her first thought, predictably, is “Oh my God, I’m a freak.” She goes to a gynecologist to get her va-jay-jay checked out, but the gyno takes advantage of Dawn’s naïveté and uses the opportunity to shove a couple wandering fingers up her goodies and feel around as if he’s lost his car keys in there. Sure enough, the scene ends with the dirty doc screaming “Vagina dentata!! It’s truuuuueeee!!!” while nursing his now fingerless hand. Dawn then learns that she can use her power…for good or evil. She ends up using it to wreak havoc on rapists, jerks, and dirty old men everywhere. She is Dawn, the avenging angel.

Careful...she bites.

Careful...she bites.

Now, Teeth is not aiming to be Citizen Kane or anything like that. It’s an interesting twist on the horror film genre: instead of seeing dozens of comely babes slayed by masked serial killers, we get to see a bunch of dudes get castrated. The film also sneaks in a not-so-subtle criticism of abstinence-only education—after all, Dawn’s lack of knowledge about her own body has some serious consequences. The main thing I didn’t like about Teeth was how victimized Dawn was. EVERY guy she encounters in the film is one of the above rapists, jerks, or dirty old men. There’s one scene where Dawn has consensual sex with a guy who actually focuses on her pleasure (he uses a vibrator on her! When was the last time you saw a guy use a vibrator on a girl in a movie that wasn’t porn? Mitchell Lichtenstein has balls…or he’s getting some serious kickback from Toys in Babeland). This guy gets to keep his manhood…that is, until Dawn finds out that he made a bet with some guys at school that he could get her in bed with him. When she finds this out mid-sex, chomp, he becomes the next dick-less wonder.

So, it would have been nice if Dawn could have met a nice guy who wasn’t trying to rape, hurt, or humiliate her. But I guess Lichtenstein wanted to show as many castrations and mutilations as possible and therefore made every male character a creep worthy of losing his peen. Well, you can’t always get what you want.

In summation, Teeth is an over-the-top, hilarious (especially if you don’t have a penis), schlock-horror fest with an intriguing (or horrifying) thesis: what if the most vulnerable aspect of a woman became the tool with which she could cause unspeakable destruction?

Grade: 67

Izzy says:

I decided to put Teeth on my Netflix instant-viewing queue because two of my esteemed lady friends (Jenny being one of them) recommended it. The previous review should tell you everything you need to know about the movie as far as content goes, so I’m going to talk about what I liked and did not like about it. That’s been a common theme in my reviews recently, but I like doing it so you can just NOT read my stuff if you don’t like it.

Teeth is a wonderful movie to watch with your girlfriends. It is not a good movie to watch with boys. My boyfriend in teeth_movie_poster_onesheetparticular said that he didn’t even want to read my review because just the thought of the movie makes him uncomfortable. I guess it’s different for guys than it is for girls. We don’t take it personally.

Let me start off by saying that I have had my share of bad boyfriends. You know, guys who did not deserve my sexual attention. While I may have wanted to bite their dicks off at some point, I would have NEVER ACTUALLY DONE IT. I mean, that’s just cruel.  Dawn’s first real “victim” is a guy who claimed to be abstinent like her, but couldn’t help himself. You know, I totally understand where he’s coming from. Dawn TEASES him by wearing this…one piece black bathing suit…and going swimming with him, kissing him, and then takes him to a dark cave where there are blankets! Now, what could those blankets be for? Warming yourself up from the cold lake? Nooooo….they’re placed there strategically. Why on earth would she drag this poor boy to this cave and then not sleep with him? She asked for it the second she went there with him. I know, I know, he tried to rape her and she didn’t want it – but did he deserve to die because of that? Yeah, the guy DIES. He loses a lot of blood from his bitten off pee-pee and probably passes out in the water, only to be fished out by cops a few days later. How awful. I don’t think he deserved to die. Maybe he deserved to lose his dick…but not much more than that. Believe me, if a guy loses his dick, he’s not going to be too eager to pussy dive any time soon. Once bitten, twice shy. Heh.

I was kind of disappointed with the seemingly nice guy. He lit candles for her, he used a little vibrator on her, all the nice things boys should do. And she lets him sleep with her! No VAGINA DENTATA! He gets to keep his weiner, yay! But – then the next day, he loses it mid-coitus after she finds out it was only a bet. Okay, that does NOT deserve getting your dick bitten off. It deserves a smack in the face, no more sex EVER and telling everyone in the school that he has a tiny-ass penis. That’s about it. It’s about time Dawn learned that not all boys are as nice as they seem.

Up to this point, I could see why Dawn would want to make the most of her teeth. She got screwed over a few times, and wanted revenge. Understandable. I was not happy with what she did to her step-brother (who was admittedly a teeth-movie-poster2douchebag – loud metal music, tribal tattoos, beating up his dad, not calling the hospital when his step-mom was sick, etc). She seduced him into sleeping with her, which involved him getting over his fear of pussy (since Dawn bit him when they were little kids), and then…well you know the rest. On top of that, his huge effing dog eats the detached part of his cock and spits out the Prince Albert. Ew.

Yes Dawn, you have a gift. But use it wisely. Don’t use it to vindicate yourself when you actually put yourself in a stupid situation. We all make mistakes and trust people who aren’t worthy of our trust. Punish those who really deserve it. Like REAL rapists, not horny high school kids.

But, overall, I liked this film. It was amusing. I especially enjoyed the fact that she realized how lame celibacy is. You go girl! Throw that promise ring away! I agree with Jenny though – I wish that the movie didn’t show all guys being bad in the end. Why couldn’t she have found someone who respected her and didn’t try to get her into bed? I guess that’s too unrealistic. Still,  I was very entertained by Teeth, despite the fact that Dawn bit off a little more than she could chew…heh.

Grade: 80

Twilight

Posted in T with tags , , , on December 1, 2008 by jennyjuniper21

Jenny says:

Twilight is the film adaptation of the first book in Stephenie Meyer’s insanely popular “sparkly vampire love” twilight2series.  It concerns the story of Bella Swan, an all-around average girl who moves to rainy Forks, Washington to live with her dad.  Bella soon meets the sullen, mysterious Edward Cullen—a boy with skin so white and cold, cheekbones so high, and strength so…um…strong that he can’t be human.  After a series of bizarre events and some good, old-fashioned Google-searching, Bella learns the truth: Edward is a vampire and she is, the words of the author, “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him”.

Hhwwoorck.  That’s the sound of my gag reflex triggering.  If you thought the Twilight books were little more than masturbation material for thirteen-year-old girls, you should get a load of the movie.  Director Catherine Hardwicke transports the audience to a place where Linkin Park plays on an endless loop in the background; where there’s a Hot Topic on every corner; and where OMG SOOOO HAWT boy vampires brood in the rain and declare unconditional, eternal, nearly abusive love to transfixed, homely girls not so different from you or me.  It’s enough to make one write dark poetry on one’s Livejournal.

But the real problem isn’t the fantastical, unrealistic elements of the story (it’s a vampire movie, cut it some slack)twilight or even the emo-fied, antifeminist vision of “love” (in Stephenie Meyer’s world, love means blindly obeying your manipulative vampire boyfriend’s every command…oh, and not screwing until marriage).  The problem is that Twilight is a poorly made film.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not a spectacularly horrible film of the Ed Wood variety, but it is pretty damn unremarkable.  The books, I’ll admit, I devoured in days.  They’re fast-paced, decently written, and actually kinda compelling (the last one veers a little too right of crazy for my taste though).  The film, however, seemed to drag on.  It lingered on the boring parts and rushed through the most exciting parts, such as the cross-country chase scene in which a bad, evil vampire tries to hunt Bella down for sport.  Hardwicke took no creative liberties with the story and instead made a straightforward, no surprises adaptation which might please the legion of pre-teen fans, but ultimately makes for a pretty pointless movie with nothing new or interesting to say.

And by far the greatest sin is the wretched acting job of the better part of the cast.  The secondary characters are reduced to stereotypes (Deadbeat dad! Goofy, nerdy friend! Dumb jock! Bitchy blonde!) and even the lead actors seem to barely even try.  At least Pattinson, given the juicy Byronic hero role, attempts to, ya know, emote.  Kristin Stewart (playing Bella), on the other hand, goes through the entire movie with a single facial expression: half-lidded eyes and slack-jawed mouth.  It’s the expression of someone heavily sedated—which is exactly how you’ll feel by the movie’s end.

Grade: 51

There Will Be Blood

Posted in T with tags , , on February 23, 2008 by serranja

JASON VS DAN

Jason says:

Wow. I wish I knew what to say about this movie without giving anything away, considering it’s still relatively new and so I can’t spoil it (according to my ownblood.jpg statute of spoiler limitations). Plus, I don’t want to spoil it. I want everybody to go see it for themselves, and understand how awesome this is. I’ll tell you something: I don’t envy the members of the Academy this year because they have to choose between There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men.
This is one of those films that I want to see a bunch of times with people who haven’t seen it before. It evokes reactions. I bet watching somebody watching this would be nearly as cool as actually watching the film. I hope that made sense. It also strikes me as a film where it’s easy to catch something new each time. So I’ll probably grab it when it hits DVD (Of course, then a newer, better two-disc edition will come out and I’ll feel like a moron for buying the first version). Some of the more awesome components of this film:

  • The performances: Daniel Day-Lewis owns this film. He’s amazing. Paul Dano, who is better known as Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine, is amazing in dual roles. And Paul Thomas Anderson’s script and direction are fantastic. I would give anything to work with him (see: Boogie Nights, Magnolia).
  • The music (by Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead) is perfect.
  • There’s no dialogue for the first 11 minutes. That takes balls.

Some people may find this film boring. I would use the word “stark” personally. I like the starkness. But if you’re the kind of person who loves direct-to-video American Pie sequels, you might not appreciate it. That’s your issue, not mine. I suppose the one word to describe this film is “captivating”. Its 2:30 runtime feels long at times, but I dare you to pull your eyes from the screen.

Grade: 95

Dan says:

There Will Be Blood was an incredible film, and never misses a chance to keep you glued to the screen. At times the visuals have you locked, at other times you can’t stop thinking about the music, and at all times Daniel Day Lewis demands your attention. There are no likable characters, which for the most part is fine, but it may stop some from gaining satisfaction in any of the outcomes, but this movie isn’t really about satisfying you, its more about following the type of person it would take to manipulate small godfearing towns out of their riches.

Daniel Plainview, oil tycoon and father, has everything and nothing at the same time, and watching his sad lonely life in the face of hugeblood2.jpg success is something that will haunt you for days to come following your first watch. His son is not really his. It’s questionable whether his brother is truly family or just another bloodsucker. Women are nowhere to be seen in his wild west town. Daniel Plainview a quiet, methodical man who spends more time thinking than he does talking, but when he has something to say, you had better believe that it’s memorable.

His life seems hopeless at times, as communication between him and his son breaks down, you realize the patience and sadness that comes to parents with disabled children, alongside the mental toll it can take. I’ve seen murder, betrayal, religious corruption, and greed in films before, but this unique father-son dynamic sets the film apart in my mind, as I’ve never seen anything like it before in cinemas.

Although the running time is over 2 and a half hours, it flies by as the tension and pacing build to a fantastic crescendo. Daniel Day Lewis starts with threats, kills with a reason, then loses it completely. You see him lose everything, humiliated, and shaken to the core. The last scene is set in a large mansion, where Daniel has been wasting away for years, drunk at all times. It is powerful and unique, but at the same time feels incredibly disconnected from the rest of the film, which mostly takes place in small shacks or outdoors. The dialogue at this part goes off the deep end and has become the source for many-a-milkshake joke since it’s release. You get an idea for the master plan he never spoke about, the true reason why he faced little to no competition along the way, nor wanted to make deals with any other oilmen.

TWBB is a must see in theaters, the overpowering soundtrack gives in an edge that I don’t think will be properly reflected in a home entertainment scenerio. A true American epic, memorable in every way, twisted by a controversial end, check it out while you still can.

Grade: 93

Final Grade: 94

Tuck Everlasting

Posted in T with tags , , , , on February 7, 2008 by jharoldson13

James says:

Where to begin? This movie will always hold a soft spot in my heart, but for reasonstuckeverlasting.jpg completely unrelated to the movie itself. It stars the daughter from “Gilmore Girls” and some blond guy as a pair of dumb kids who fall in love many years ago. She’s a rich snob from some aristocratic family of jerks, and he’s a backwater hick from some inbred family of farmers. They kiss or something, then she has to decide between her cold, uncaring family and the boy she loves. The whole situation is exacerbated when the boy reveals that his family has found the Fountain of Youth, and that they’re all like a hundred years old. So the girl has to choose a short, albeit comfortable life devoid of love, or a long, difficult one with her boyfriend, and of course she chooses her family.

The film ends with a shot of a gravestone underneath some tree, which of course is the grave of the girl. The viewer is then treated to a motorcyclist driving up to look at the grave, dressed all in black. When he takes his helmet off, GASP! It’s the boy she loved, but with longer hair so the viewer has a tangible sense of the passage of time! Apparently the advent of the motorcycle wasn’t enough to convince the average moviegoer that they’re looking at the present. Walt Disney, I know your frozen head is kept in some sort of tube, sustaining your horrible simulacrum of undeath, but come on. When your body returns to seek vengeance on the living, I hope you start with your employees first, because they’ve allowed your company to make movies like “Suck Everlasting,” as I affectionately call it. And when you do finally come for me, I’ll be waiting with some holy water, wooden stakes, and a DVD copy of this shitty movie.

Grade: 50

Terror Firmer

Posted in T with tags , , , , on February 4, 2008 by jharoldson13

James says:

Six words: Ron Jeremy eats his own dick. If that doesn’t make you want to watch this movie, then you’re saner than me. It does in factterror-firmer.jpg happen, though…he pulls it out of a jar, all pickled and gross, and fucking eats it. The plot is irrelevant, but for the sake of artistic integrity I’ll try to summarize it. The movie follows the production team working on the latest sequel in the “Toxic Avenger” franchise, as they slowly get murdered one after another by a mysterious, super-strong female assailant. The lead heroine makes nice with some guy who might’ve been a stage hand, has sex with him, and eventually discovers that HE is the mysterious woman, who was born a hermaphrodite and tucks it back. How she didn’t notice while they were both nude and writhing is beyond me, but there’s some really gross full frontal shemale shots, which is my primary argument for the abolition of free speech.

Also there’s a fat guy with a wang half the size of a tube of chapstick who gets his head run over by a car after running around naked causing all kinds of havoc and destruction. I don’t really know what else I can say about this travesty; there’s a LOT of nudity (too much of which is dudity for me to really get invested), more gore than you can shake a dismembered…member at, and none of it looks any good. That’s right, this low budget schlockfest fails to rise above its humble origins. The acting is awful, the SFX are laughable, and the only thing that works about this movie is the unintentional hilarity. As a comedy, I give this movie a 70. But alas, it’s not being rated as a comedy, it’s being rated as a horror movie. One where people actually met every day and set out to make something that their viewers would remember as scary. They succeeded, but probably not in the way they would have liked. Avoid “Terror Firmer” at all costs, and for the love of Odin, DO NOT WATCH THE EXTENDED VERSION. You’ll almost wish you had watched “Redneck Zombies” instead. Almost.

Grade: 15