Archive for the J Category

Johnny Dangerously

Posted in J with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2008 by Schuyler

Schuyler says:

The great Joe Piscapo once said this when referring to his gun: “It shoots through schools…”johnny2.jpg

I wholeheartedly agree. Johnny Dangerously, the original mafia spoof, shoots through friggin schools as well. Before Jay Mohr was given film budgets to waste, Michael Keaton was the original young, cool mob boss. Well, no he wasn’t…Al Pacino was…but he WAS the original PARODY young, cool mob boss. The spoof, which has a very Airplane! feel to it (or for you goddamn I-talians: “Aeroplano!”) kept me laughing throughout. My girlfriend thought it was hilarious as well. This was a relief, as every time I try and show her “a comedy you’ve never heard of, but are going to love!” she hates it, and I don’t get any affection from her for what seems like at least fifteen whole minutes. She holds grudges, and yes, it is a flaw.

Keaton is no Morgan Freeman, but his storytelling is ample as he guides a young listener through his history of working for the mob. “Crime don’t pay, kid” he says…to the boy who just tried to steal a puppy from the pet store he runs. Towards the end of the movie, Keaton feels bad for the boy, and rewards him for sitting through a whole story without stealing more shit by giving him a kitten! This is an obvious political statement by Keaton declaring that in fact “Cats rule and dogs drool.” We at COTT do not make political stands, but with the exception of James, we all would agree with the cultural movement he is trying to start up.

Joe Piscapo (Danny Vermin) is the Dick Dastardly of the film, constantly plotting the death of our protagonist. Some of his lines are just rib-tickling. Thanks to IMDB for collecting these quotes:

–Danny Vermin: I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people’s cars. These are a few of my favorite things.
–Danny Vermin: I AM handicapped: I’m psychotic.
–Danny Vermin: Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.johnny1.jpg

Vermin is the best character in this film, by far.

Marilu Henner, who looks younger each and every year due to the stemcell milkshakes she drinks, is merely eye-candy in this film. The musical number she sings (“I wanna eat…Dangerously”) is not an innuendo, and actually seems like a hell of a lot of missed sexual innuendo opportunity. I often judge an actor’s performance by if they can be easily replaced by another actor/actress on the same tier as themselves. Henner is easily replaced by any unknown attractive dame. Hell, Kelly Lebrock would’ve improved the overall aesthetic quality of the movie.

Best scene in this movie: When Johnny Dangerously, originally known as Johnny Kelly, is trying to explain to his brother why he SHOULDN’T drop out of law-school to get married (and have sex). He shows him this videoclip, which comes out of left-field.
Your Testicles & You

Overall, a very entertaining film for what it is: the prodigal son of spoof parodies.

Grade: 89



Posted in J with tags , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2008 by Schuyler

Schuyler says:

Women like Juno don’t usually get knocked up, they get knocked out.

Don’t get me wrong, Juno is a funny, very well-written movie. Superior in humor-quality to a Superbad-type movie.
Despite how “peachy” seeing it was, I have to air a few grievances against it:

1) The character of Juno makes me irate. I don’t know any women in this whole world who have a witty/mean/smart-ass comment tojuno.jpg fire-off in response to EVERYTHING. Obviously her dead-beat AC-repairman dad has never beaten her. Oh how I wish the times weren’t as they are…Ellen Page, however, is doing her job as an actress very, very well. She’s only 20, but yet she comes off as a very polished actress, especially in one of the few truly emotional moments of the film.


Pregnant 16-year-old Juno goes to talk to the potential adopted parents of her satan-spawn, and this is the type of garbage that comes out of her mouth.

Juno: If I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would, but I’m guessing it looks probably like a sea-monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.
Vanessa: That’s great.
Mark: Keep it in the oven.

2) So many people saw Juno and fell in love with her whippersnapper attitude. Maybe I would’ve liked it if I didn’t feel so confused.
This movie gives you a borderline reality/super-reality feeling, and frankly I don’t know which feeling to go with. Juno’s communication isn’t realistic. Her interactions with Michael Cera’s character Paulie Bleeker are very realistic (oh, you remember awkward teen semi-dating!), as are her breakdowns, when she truly appreciates the fact that she is pregnant and not “preggers”. There’s a huge fucking difference.

3) Rainn Wilson. WHY ARE YOU ONLY IN THIS MOVIE FOR TWO MINUTES?! A super-dose of Dwight would’ve pushed this movie into the upper stratosphere of current films.

+/- Not really a good or bad point, but Jason Bateman’s character made me hate him (which means he did his job as an actor), but then his departure just sort of left a big hole in his place. I feel like the whole “Did you find a place yet?” “Yea a loft downtown” conversation was completely devoid of the emotion that should accompany a sudden divorce-request.


1) Olivia Thirlby, best known as Juno’s BFFFFFFF Leah is as hot as the sun. My girlfriend might smite me, but she was talkin about some well-hung hispanic jerkface when she reviewed 300. F her.

2) Jennifer Garner had a big coming-out party in my opinion. Before this film I didn’t recognize her as a legitimate actress. She was just a person Ben Affleck beats when he loses too much at the crap tables. She played a different character than she usually has. Her “I wanna be a mommy” character was clingy, a little over-possessive, controlling…….and it fit perfectly. I commend you JG, now get a REAL divorce and marry Matt Damon before he fucks Sarah Silverman again.

3) I REALLY loved Allison Janney as Juno’s stepmom. She improved upon her 10 Things I Hate About You performance. Very rarely is it that a younger audience connects with an authority figure the way I connected with Janney’s Bren MacGuff. Her performance was another excellent one, and adding that onto Garner’s, you have a very strong female portion of the cast.

Lowdown: Ultimately, all movies are flawed. God may have created Star Wars: Return of the Jedi in his image, but not all movies can be SW:RotJ, they can only strive to do their best to imitate it. Juno does a great job, and was the funniest comedy I’ve seen in the past few years, flaws and all. A lot of strong acting performances make up for the caricatured main-character.

Grade: 87