Holy shit, people. If you’re reading this review I can only assume that you haven’t seen this movie, in which case YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU. This reboot to the Batman franchise was almost entirely perfect, and trust me…I know Batman. Since most of this is going to be me figuratively blowing the movie, I’ll just get the negatives out of the way up front. First and foremost: KATIE HOLMES. Terrible, just terrible. She sucks, isn’t that attractive, and talks out of the side of her mouth. YOU HAVE A WHOLE MOUTH YOU DUMB BITCH, USE IT AND TALK LIKE A REAL PERSON. And on a related note, the second glaring problem with the movie: Scarecrow’s defeat. They spend the whole goddamn movie establishing him as a fucking awesome psychopath who uses a gas that induces levels of fear enough to KILL, and then how is he brought down? Side-talker shoots him in the face with a taser. But he doesn’t die, so the viewer is left to assume that he’ll be back in AT LEAST one of the sequels. And the character of Scarecrow is only ONE of the many things done totally right in this movie. Morgan Freeman is AWESOME, Michael Caine is BEAUTIFUL, and Christian Bale is perfect. Screw Val, screw George, and Michael Keaton please step politely aside because Bale is Batman. He’s even perfect as Bruce Wayne, pulling off the arrogant handsome billionaire without a hitch. And his Batman is just over-the-top enough to be badass without crossing into ridiculousness.
The villain, whose identity I won’t spoil for those who haven’t seen it, is also played to a T. And the ending, which has just enough resolution to keep any normal viewer satisfied, makes it very clear that “The Dark Knight” is going to be absolutely ridiculous. It’s very sad about Heath Ledger dying, apparently partially because playing the Joker fucked up his head really bad, but the ending of the first one will leave you salivating to see him. The movie also contains a few references that only nutjobs like me will pick up on. For example, the presence of Mr. Zsaz, a lesser known member of Batman’s rogues gallery, actually had me excited enough to stand up in the theater and start hooting. And for those of you interested in the more technical side of things, almost every stunt in this movie was actually performed. The only action scene which features any large amount of CGI is the big Batmobile chase towards the end. And since it’s used so sparingly, the viewer barely even notices when flesh, bone, and metal is replaced by 1’s and 0’s in some nerd’s hard drive. To close out this glowing review, don’t let anything stop you from seeing this movie. The sequel comes out in a few short months, and you don’t want to be the only jackass who doesn’t know what’s going on, now do you? No, you don’t. Take my word for it, “Batman Begins” is fantastic.