Archive for the N Category

Night of the Creeps

Posted in N with tags , , , on October 7, 2008 by jharoldson13

James says:

What can I say about this movie that hasn’t already been said several times before by people far older than me?  I’m fairly sure it was the first horror movie I ever saw, and it started a lifelong love story.  From what I can remember, it was on TV one night in the very early 90’s, and a young James was getting sick of watching “MacGuyver” all the damn time with his mom.  So, she decided to change the channel, and found a late-night showing of 1986’s “Night of the Creeps.”  The movie starts out with some sort of…alien…thing…running from a few of its own kind, clutching some sort of black cylinder.  Much to the other alien’s chagrin, the first one manages to eject the cylinder into space, sending it hurtling to Earth, circa 1959.  Wisely, the next few minutes of the movie are filmed in black and white, in which we see some hapless 50’s guy get an alien slug in his mouth, at which point we flash forward to the present day (1986) in the middle of Pledge Week at Corman University.  At this point, let me just point out that ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE in this movie is named after a famous (or at least well-liked) horror director.  Everyone from Raimi to Cronenberg gets a shout out in this movie, and its worth it.

“Night of the Creeps” was one of the first horror movies to actually strive for the B-movie feel, striking a wonderful balance between camp, horror, gore, and comedy that makes it totally fucking awesome.  Anyway, in 1986, the two main characters get tricked into unlocking the cryogenically frozen body of the guy from the beginning, who wanders around until his head pops and a bunch of evil space slugs escape.  The movie then becomes a zombie survival story as people start getting space slugs in their heads and go around trying to give them to everyone else.  Bunch of assholes, if you ask me.  It all comes down to the final assault on a sorority house, at which point the main characters, both hero and heroine, get the chance to pull off a badass flamethrower/lawnmower combo that runs train on the zombies.

Now for the ending.  I actually remember the very end of the movie better than any other part, probably because the ending I remember was so…bleak.  The one I saw when watching for the purpose of this review, however, was forgettable.  It was like any other 80’s twist ending, except it had a dog.  If this unknown gem of a movie ever makes it to DVD, I order the powers that be to release it with the good ending.  It’s way cooler, ends the movie on a darker note, and gives you more to talk about.  Apparently it was also the original ending, but the producers didn’t like it and forced the director to change it.  Again…bunch of assholes if you ask me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie is far from perfect.

For example; why the FLYING FUCK does that police station have a flamethrower in their armory?  Kudos to them for using the guy from “Return of the Living Dead” though.  That was awesome.  That’s more or less indicative of most of the problems I have with this movie.  Little things that, in the grand scheme of things, don’t really matter.  This movie is not about flawless logic and realism, it’s about a nerd and the girl of his dreams killing frat boys possessed by brain-eating space slugs.  And in the end, isn’t that what America is all about?  Killing things that try to eat your brains?  Yes, my friends.  Yes it is.

Grade: 78


The Neverending Story

Posted in N with tags , , , , , , , on February 8, 2008 by Schuyler

Schuyler says:

Biggest spoiler of all time: Bastian screams out “Moon Child!” at the end when naming the Child-like Empress. That means Bastian’s mom’s name is also Moon Child.
Okay, that should only make sense to the uber-nerdy amongst you who have seen this movie more than a few times.falcor.jpg

The Neverending Story is one of my favorite films from when I was young. It’s the story of a young boy, Bastian, who steals a book from a bookstore after getting his ass kicked by a bunch of bullies. He then cuts class (which is against the rules!!!) to read the book, and follows along with the story of Atreyu. Atreyu is a young boy (who hunts the Purple Buffalo), and his purpose is to save the imaginary land of Fantasia by also saving it’s magical princess (the Child-like Empress) from a terrible non-monster called the Nothing.

The Nothing is the monster from Cloverfield…pretty much. The Nothing is the symbolic murder of childlike innocence and imagination. When children stop using their imaginations (and reading!), the land of Fantasia is symbolically destroyed in real-time.

My girlfriend and I created our own drinking game for this movie, and it left us pretty wasted:

1) Creature/Race Explanation – everytime we meet a new character we have to hear what he is and what he eatsneverending.jpg
2) Neverending Theme song – download this immediately
3) “The Nothing!” is uttered or yelled
4) “Book” is mentioned (this gets you drunk by minute 10)
5) Atreyu acts Emo (gets you drunker by minute 20)
6) “The Boundaries” or “The Boundaries of Fantasia” are mentioned
7) Luck contributes to the progression of the story (aka…we have no way to explain how we want the story to progress)

Favorite quotes:

Childlike Empress: “Bastian…say my name!”
Bastian: “Alright! I will do it…I’ll save you…I will do what I dream [screams out Moon Child inaudibly]”
Bastian: “No…not too much [puts down sandwich]…I’ve still got a long way to go…”
Falkor: “With LUCK!”
Rockbiter: “These hands…they used to be such strong hands…they look like strong hands, don’t they?”

This movie is chock-full of family-genre goodness. It’s very cheesy, but 100% enjoyable.

Grade: 86

The Notebook

Posted in N with tags , , , on February 4, 2008 by jharoldson13

James says:

LAME. I got dragged to see this movie in theaters by a girl, and what did I get for my troubles? NOTHING. I sat through this nonsensenotebook.jpg listening to classic lines like, “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!” Who the fuck says shit like that? Screenplay writers? People trying to sound hip via their old-timey characters? It sucked. Stupid, stilted dialogue and Ryan Gosling combined to make a terrible, dull movie where we don’t even get to see Rachel McAdams get naked. She was the high point of it for me. She’s really pretty.

And what kind of romance ends with everyone dying? Even “Titanic” had one survivor from the main couple. Granted, I’m not really complaining. I almost got thrown out of the theater at that point because all the sobbing women couldn’t hear their final words over the sound of my hysterical laughter. Call me heartless if you must, but it was SO BORING. There was ONE scene that could’ve been cool, when Gosling is fighting in a war, but it’s over in like four minutes because his friend dies. Whoopdeela and fuck a goat, guy. Like I said, the ONLY high points of this movie for me were Rachel McAdams, and the fact that those sappy, insufferable old people kick it at the end. Avoid this crap and see something like “Love Actually” instead. At least that’s a pretty damn good movie.

Grade: 11