Watchmen

SCHUYLER VS JAMES

Schuyler says:

[Editor’s note: This is a movie review site. Not a graphic novel review site. No I didn’t read Watchmen. No I dont have $24.95. You guys don’t pay me shit and I haven’t noticed any WordPress advertisements on this site. Shut up.]

Wow. That was hella intense! That was the most times I’ve seen a blue penis since the genie was left alone with Raja in the Aladdin cutscenes. Dr dr-manhattan-3Manhattan, despite too much male bludity, could be one of the most badass superheroes ever. However, much like my annual birthday, something so massive is bound to disappoint. How could a superhero only surpassed by God himself be so………uncreative. Even Superman figured out he could fly around the world backwards, reverse time, and save Lois Lane. This guy has infinitely more power than Superman, and yet is too busy struggling with a “case of the Mondays” to save 15,000,000 people from dying. It’s actually a little known fact that before Dr Manhattan disappates forever at the end of the movie, he sings a few sweet lyrics at a barely audible level. Here they are in a COTT news break exclusive:

Yo listen up here’s a story
About a little guy that lives in a blue world
And all day and all night and everything he sees
Is just blue like him inside and outside
Blue his house with a blue little window
And a blue corvette
And everything is blue for him and hisself
And everybody around
Cos he ain’t got nobody to listen to
I’m blue da ba dee da ba die…

Okay, I’m nearly done with my Manhattan Project. I think a man so omnipotent and omniscient should have a bit more foresight. How many times did he, with his universal knowledge go “Oh. I was wrong. I’ve changed my mind”? Too many. Manhattan is the best and worst Watchmen character for the reasons I’ve listed. You all probably don’t agree, but to this I respond: Bite me. You’ve got a little bit of blueish liquid dripping from the corner of your lip.

I can’t spell Roarshack. I’m going to look it up now. “Rorschach”. Okay. watchmenThis dude is my favorite Watchperson. Take Christian Bale’s raspy Batman voice, add with it some integrity and more than 10 fold Batman’s badassedry. Can someone explain why his face mask is constantly moving around, like a Rorschach test? His face looks fine without it. He looks like Steve Nash from the Phoenix Suns. Does he know that he’s named after the very inkblot test that his facemask resembles??? Regardless, this guy was a madass badass. This guy was so MAD at the way the movie ended that he commanded Manwichhattan to vaporize him. How many times have I screamed with rage I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!'”? More than just the one time I was in that movie “The Network”. At least twice. Rorschach was a great personality and very enjoyable to watch. His defiant prison-scapades are probably my favorite part of the movie. I aim to grow up bitter, enraged, slightly psychotic…..but JUST like Papa Rorschach.

Dan was sort of a pussy.

The women in this movie were “eh”. The main girl looked like Stephnie Weir of Mad TV fame. I expected Michael McDonald to burst through a wall in a diaper and yell “I’m in my DARK place!” To the graphic novel’s defense—the chicks were better drawn than they were cast.

Adrian Veidt is a teabag, and I don’t like how he (as our unlikely villain) is NOT made to RUE the FUCKING day. He wins! Why? Yeah, I know. This is the anti-super-hero-movie. In the end, the badguy wins because he makes sense…and the flock is more important than the one lost sheep. Simplicity is chosen over idealism. That sort of cynical attitude is spreading like a cancer on this Earth. If anything, I got that the way things end in Watchmen is a demonstration of how things ought not be. A critical commentary. “Strike Peter….Strike True.” Captain Hook gets it. Why doesn’t the rest of this stupid world get it? I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT.

Terrorists: Fuck you
21 year old rich white girls: Fuck you
Madonna: Fuck you
A-Rod: Please come back from your surgery and hit 40 HRs, but Fuck you
Jacque Chirac: Le Fuck De you
Katelynn from Real World Brooklyn: Fuck you

Now that I’ve proven I’m the only sane man left on the planet with my quick judgment and searing criticism, everybody listen to me! PLEASE????

Grade: 89

James says:

I’ll be perfectly upfront from the beginning; I adored the original comic.  Those of you who actually know me or read this site are probably unsurprised by this, but I’ll say it anyway. In addition to having the collected edition, I sought out (and purchased) all twelve original first run comics from the 80’s.  The writing is enough to keep me awake at night, seething with envious rage, the story is perfect, and the tiny details to be found everywhere add up to create something more than a mere comic.  “Watchmen” is something special.  The movie was clearly made with fans like me in mind.

Ever since shortly after its publication, “Watchmen” has been called “unfilmable,” largely for the very reasons that I loved it.  It’s extremely complex, full of interwoven stories about the main characters, flashbacks, excerpts from fake books, and even a whole interior comic called “The Black Freighter,” perhaps my favorite part of the original story.  With all this stuff going buck wild at the same time, its no wonder most directorsWho watches the watchmen? Me. took one look and said it could never be done without infuriating the hardcore fans.  Fast forward to March 6, 2009.  I piled into Cine Ideal, one of Madrid’s only theaters that doesn’t butcher American movies with dubbing, along with a few friends, and we climbed into our seats, prepared to be wowed.  A little over two hours later, we walked out of there and immediately began discussing it.  With one exception, none of us had been let down, and that one exception had never even read the comic.  The movie maintained the comic’s ever-increasing sense of urgency as the plot hurtles toward some unknown, looming catastrophe, while the viewer constantly waits for the heroes to discover, expose, and then thwart the villain’s evil plan.  The action is intense, the violence is graphic, and the wangs are blue.  The movie held very faithfully to the source material, with only a few omissions or changes, the largest one being the ending.  To avoid spoilers, I will only say this: I prefer the ending in the comic, but it would not have worked for the movie, so I’m glad they went the way they did.  Now, to address some of Schuyler’s complaints.

Dr. Manhattan remains nude throughout almost all of the comic, so it only makes sense that he’s buck-ass naked in the movie, as unpleasant as it may be.  Also, despite his near omniscience, he is in fact outsmarted by the “villain,” thanks to the bad guy’s use of some high technology that blocks Dr. Manhattan’s ability to see into the future.  And even once his plot is discovered, the bad guy manages to convince Big Blue that, although his plan will leave millions dead, it will save millions more and create a better future for the world.  With a God on Earth now backing him, it appears as though the villain has succeeded in his plot and actually changed the world, sacrificing millions to prevent a global nuclear Holy crap he's so cool.holocaust.  What Schuyler failed to notice, however, was the little epilogue.  Throughout the movie, Rorshach, the coolest man ever (next to Batman) is chronicling his and Nite Owl’s quest to figure out what the hell is going on in his journal.  Even though his final fate is an unpleasant one, and it appears as though he’s been defeated, in the last few seconds of the movie it’s revealed that a newspaper is going to publish his journal.  Once this happens, the entire plan would be revealed, leading to the end of the peace and complete global annihilation.  Although Rorshach may have been killed, his insane perseverence still wins out in the end, succeeding where his mortal form failed.  And to address his mask; in the comic it’s explained as two sheets of thin plastic with a black liquid in between them.  I’m not sure why they changed it to be simply fabric for the movie, but it certainly looked awesome.

While there is plenty more I could talk about, Schuyler sort of beat me to the punch.  On most of the other points, we’re in fairly solid agreement, disjointed though his review may be.  Overall, I felt it was an excellent movie and an extremely faithful adaptation of one of the most imporant comics ever written.  The cast was excellent, even if some characters recieved less attention than they should have, and the man playing Ozymandias was sort of a ponce.  But Nite Owl, the Silk Spectre, and especially Rorshach were immaculate.  They played their parts perfectly, leaving the viewer with an incredibly entertaining glimpse into their larger-than-life world.

Grade: 93

Total Grade: (89+93)/2= 91


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2 Responses to “Watchmen”

  1. Laughing out loudest review ever.

    The comic book has a very different ending, including some seriously trippy tentacles:

    http://fullbodytransplant.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/watchmen-squid-the-real-ending/

    Enjoy.

  2. James is the ponce!

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