Archive for the I Category

I Am Omega

Posted in I with tags , , , on September 19, 2008 by jharoldson13

James says:

I know what you’re thinking.  “LOLZ that dum basturd spelld da movie wrong.”  Well, my brainy friend, you’re

Look at me brood!

incorrect.  It’s actually a different movie, distinct from “I Am Legend” (but not really).  The story follows Mark Dacascos (that’s the actor, I don’t know the character’s name) as he attempts to fight an entire world full of weirdly-mutated zombies with external spines.  And in case you’re asking yourself, “Who is this Mark Dacascos?” I’ll fill you in.  You may remember Mark as Jimmy Lee from the live-action adaptation of “Double Dragon.”  You may also remember him as Eric Draven on “The Crow” TV series.  Or even as Jesse Page in the 1998 smash-hit film, “Boogie Boy.”  I’m just kidding, nobody remembers Mark Dacascos from anything.  Just like nobody’s going to remember this ridiculous movie.

Even after watching it, I’m really not sure what happened.  Mark Dacascos was the last man living on Earth, battling an unstoppable army of the undead.  Funny thing, though…we never find out why everyone is a zombie.  And then about halfway through other survivors become a dime a dozen, including one girl whose blood is the cure for the disease.  Some other guy turns out to be the villain, but I only know this because Mark Dacascos killed him with a pipe, in what was apparently the climactic battle.  Then he kisses the girl and they drive off into the sunset, leaving the remnants of mankind to go fuck themselves, because THAT’S THE KIND OF GUY HE IS.  Avoid this movie.  It’s nothing more than a cheap attempt to cash in on the fleeting success of “I Am Legend,” and it’s not a good one at that.  If you’re held at gunpoint and forced to watch it, then look for the scene in which Mark Dacascos, master of martial arts, cannot even catch a fucking rabbit.  For reference, I have caught a rabbit numerous times, without the help of years worth of breaking boards over my testicles.  Terrible.

Grade:15

Iron Man

Posted in I on May 14, 2008 by jharoldson13

James writes:

One of the best superhero movies ever made, hands down.  In my opinion, on par with “Spiderman 2,” although not quite on the same level as “Batman Begins” (honestly though, nothing really is) and “X2.”  Again, the casting was perfect (although my sister and I disagreed on Jeff Bridges playing Obediah Stane) with Robert Downy, Jr. as Tony Stark, Terrence Howard as Jim Rhodes, and Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts.  I’ll admit, when I first heard that Downy was going to play Stark, I was skeptical.  But then I actually thought about it…what is Tony Stark but an arrogant, alcoholic asshole?  And what is Downy?  You guessed it…an arrogant, alcoholic asshole!  They’re a match made in heaven.  Terrence Howard as Jim Rhodes was a stroke of genius; I always enjoy him, and the prospect of what they can do with the character in any future sequels (WAR MACHINE!!!) gets me tight in the pants.  Gwyneth is, well…Gwyneth.  Very easy on the eyes, but her role doesn’t really require too much from her.

The basic idea is that Tony Stark is the CEO of the multi-billion dollar Stark Industries, a company that primarily produces weapons for the military.  One day, while demonstrating a new type of missile to the top dogs in Afghanistan, his convoy is attacked and Stark is taken prisoner by some splinter group and told to make this new missile for their leader.  He reluctantly agrees after realizing that all of the groups weapons are from his company, but instead of making the missile he makes his prototype suit, then fucking runs train on almost everyone during his escape.  Once he makes it back to the States, he immediately announces that he’s shutting down the weapons manufacturing portion of Stark Industries, pissing off his partner, Stane.  Tony then spends the next few weeks or so building the titular suit, and uses it to get some sweet, sweet revenge on the terrorist cell that held him captive for months.  Meanwhile, the leader of those same terrorists discover the wreckage of the prototype suit and sell it to the villain, whose identity I won’t reveal since the movie is still in theaters.

This leads to the climactic showdown between Iron Man and the bad guy, rocking a much bigger, much stronger version of the original suit, kickass robotic fighting ensues.  The final scene, and the post-credit scene that very few people seemed to know about, along with hints that War Machine (Jim Rhodes in a suit Stark builds for him) will be in the next one all point to the sequel being absolutely outrageously awesome.  For those of you who know anything about anything, the word “Avengers” makes an appearance, along with a certain member of S.H.I.E.L.D…

Grade: 93

Inconvenient Truth

Posted in I with tags , , , , , on February 8, 2008 by theroboticdan

Dan says:

An Inconvenient Truth is a strange movie to rent. You need to somehow find yourself in the mood to hear some terrifying news about the fate of the world. Last night I was looking for a good horror movie and I decided upon this instead. I mean, whats scarier than a talking robot man in a dark room with menacing slides?

The whole thing is built to scare the pants off of you and get you good and charged up to live a carbon free lifestyle. The only factor that will keep you from running out and taking baseball bats to SUVs is the fact that the person giving this slide show is AL FREAKING GORE. If this guy was any more extreme he’d be kite boarding off of a big yellow airplane that belongs to a bear named Baloo.

He’s a modern day Nostradamus, predicting boiling seas, droughts, famine, fires, volcanoes, massive hurricanes, war, Michael Bay movies and the total destruction of all ice caps on earth. Everything is worst case scenario, and all of it will happen if you do not watch his slide show, then get your friends to watch his slide show, then start making slide shows of your own.

It’s all very cultish, the way he spends the time trying to get you to think like him. The lecture makes him feel like this all knowing father, teaching his children the ways of the world. His eco-friendly, recyclable children. Don’t let Gore fool you, he’d recycle you in a heart beat if he had the chance.

Why does this all feel so wrong? Maybe because I don’t want him wagging his finger saying “told you so” when I’m 45 years old and Miami beach vanishes. But on the other hand, why all the Apocalypse later stuff? To me, he spends almost too much time talking about the Katrinas and the disasters and not enough time talking about the solutions and the things that can be done. Its too much about the conspiracies of the current government, too much about what we’re doing wrong. I’d like to think more of people. Who would really sabotage the works of scientists when their data might be the key to the Earth’s survival??? Who, even in their greed, would change reports that will lead to the ice caps melting right off the face of the planet and states being wiped off the map? Supervillains?

Maybe my problem is that this all seems a little sci-fi to me. And that I like to see supervillians win some times. I enjoyed Revenge of the Sith. Though I wish it had more giant creatures, like a Lava Scorpion.

Its also hard to hear a political figure and try to see his message as unbiased. If hes right, and we can stop this thing, then he will haveendofworld.png saved the lives of millions of registered voters. And Gore shall inherit the earth. Shouldn’t this slide show be given by a scientist? Where are all these charts coming from? How much of this is guess work? How select are the articles hes choosing to quote? Are atmospheric measurements an exact science?

I lived by the sea for my whole life, and I guess part of my fantastic denial of all this is rooted in the fact that I don’t see the ocean rising out my front door. Climate change is a gradual thing, and we may have a load of carbon in the air right now, but its going to take a while to raise the overall temperature of the sea. And if thats the case, you definitely can’t blame Katrina on global warming, because the temperatures haven’t risen yet. What Gore is doing is taking a terrible event and pushing it towards his agenda. Why is this a movie? It should be a series of commercials or a special on TV to be aired on Earth Day every April 22nd. Or maybe on April 20th, where you can really go green.

Then you wonder… what if this is as good as earth gets? What if we’re in the futuristic utopia and its all downhill from here? We can say we lived in the most golden age! Maybe we should pollute, so our generation can go out on top. Thats what Seinfield did, and look at him now, everyone wishes their show was that good. Everyone will look on the people of 2008 and wish they were us. We had it easy! We ruled! Pollution = immortality!

End supervillian rant.

The bottom line is that there will be increased funding for research on this matter, and that will be a good thing. I just don’t like the scarearmaggedon.jpg tactics, its just like our current government trying to get us to fear Terrorism to support the war. Each side does it a little, and its not the way our society should function. When i was a kid, they said in 50 years all elephants would be extinct. But will they really? Zoos are doing a pretty good job. And I trust that no matter what, new technologies will be introduced to help our planet. Are we a big enough force on the planet that we can change the entire climate? Or are we just saying that Humans are the center of the universe and that the sun rotates around the earth? Time will tell. Just enjoy Miami while you can.

Grade: 85

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Posted in I with tags , , , , , on February 8, 2008 by itlacksoomph

Joe says:

When I saw this movie on the pay-per-view list at Christmas, I thought it would be entertaining because it’d just be one big gay joke. I mean, who hasn’t told one ori-now-pronounce.jpg been on the wrong end of one? Even my gay friends love ‘em! Well, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry was a joke alright.

Kevin James and Adam Sandler, two successful comedians of the modern day (neither of whom I really care for anyway, but I was willing to give them a chance), played two fire department buddies who fake a gay marriage (oh, sorry, “domestic partnership”) so that James’ widower character can get benefits for his young family. The plot summary is not really even worth breaking down, but there is a so-called happy ending and blah blah blah everything is back to normal like every corny, piece-of-crap, faux-romantic comedy you’ve ever seen.

This movie became extremely PC as it went on. You might not think that’s a bad thing, but for a movie that considers itself a comedy, it’s really not. I HATE when comedies get serious. The script went out of its way on many occasions to pander, and did so in a way that it just dripped with cheesiness. If that wasn’t bad enough, the movie is counterbalanced with gay stereotypes that were so over-the-top that it was painful to watch. Not as painful as sitting on a dinner fork, but probably as painful as getting poked with a large stick.

The plot was predictable. By about the half way point (this movie was 2 hours long – what the hell were they thinking?), if not before, anyone with functioning neural synapses could accurately project the rest of the storyline. What made is worse was – because it was so long – it took whatever mild plot developments there were forever to unfold.

95% of the jokes were either boring or massively overdone. Doesn’t ANYONE in Hollywood have fresh material these days, or did the writers all take it on strike with them?

It was corny, clichéd, preachy, unoriginal, and flat. You might get a cheap laugh here or there, but that’s about it. Some people (coughwomencough) might find the ridiculously unrealistic ending cute…either that, or you’ll be impatiently waiting for it to end. The message of tolerance is admirable, but it was presented poorly and in an uncreative manner.

Not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but still worse than I expected (and I had fairly reasonable expectations for it – like a grade of 50-60ish). If you seedavid.png it for some reason, don’t expect much of anything. I’ve seen some other reviews, obviously by viewers who have no critical eye for entertainment, calling this an excellent comedy – this ain’t Airplane!, The Producers, The Naked Gun, or Blazing Saddles – hell, this ain’t even Happy Gilmore.

On the plus side, Jessica Biel. Enough said.

Grade: 39

[Editor’s note: I don’t know why I put the Star of David as a photo for this review…Adam Sandler just makes all of his movies somehow about Judaism.]

I am Legend

Posted in I with tags , , , , , , , on February 5, 2008 by Schuyler

Schuyler says:

I will spare you plot, because you should see this movie.

But I will tell you what you should know:
I am Legend is a Butterface. Great body, but fugly face.legend.gif
This is one of Will Smith’s stronger performances (only counting the ones where he doesn’t get to say “Welcome to Erf!”), and throughout the whole movie, you are on the edge of your seat because the action/suspense is palpable. But like all Butterfaces, when you’re done soaking in the body (of the film), the face (ending) makes you want to vomit. Fellow reviewer James and I had an AIM conversation to that extent:

James(3:25:50 PM): i thoroughly enjoyed that movie
Schuyler(3:26:06 PM): it will get a decent, albeit not great review from me for one specific reason
James(3:26:17 PM): you hate black people?
Schuyler(3:26:21 PM): that
Schuyler(3:26:21 PM): and
Schuyler(3:26:27 PM): the ending was fucking awful
Schuyler(3:26:32 PM): whole of the movie was spectacular
James(3:26:38 PM): yeah i didnt really like the ending either
Schuyler(3:26:39 PM): the ending was having sex with a girl all night
Schuyler(3:26:41 PM): only to find out
Schuyler(3:26:45 PM): shes a post op gay guy in the morning
James(3:26:46 PM): shes really a boy
Schuyler(3:26:48 PM): lol
James(3:28:48 PM): and shes all like OOO LETS GO OUT AND YOU CAN GIVE ME A HAND JOB
James(3:28:58 PM): BECAUSE THATS STILL A JOB
In what is comparable to the US upsetting the Russian hockey team in 1980, James and I are in agreement.
When Will Smith “loses” his dog, it was 10x sadder than Tom Hanks losing Wilson in Castaway. Mostly because you spend most of that film staring at Tom Hanks and his turkey-gullet.
Good job Fresh Prince, but don’t let your writers give up when they get tired at the end of the script-writing process.
Grade: 79

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Posted in I with tags , , , , , , on February 4, 2008 by jharoldson13

James says:

And so we come to one of the greatest adventure movies ever made, starring Sean Connery and Harrison Ford, both of whom areindiana.jpg awesome. The last movie in the original Indiana Jones trilogy, the Drs. Jones are forced to work together against the Nazis in order to find the Holy Grail before it can be stolen for Hitler to use against the US in the war. At least, I think that’s what their plan was. Truth be told, I usually spend most of the movie eyeing the hot German chick who wants to give it to Indy in the worst way possible. Hitler himself makes a brief cameo in the movie, signing Sean Connery’s journal at a book burning, much to Indy’s shock and horror.

I guess if I had to voice any complaints about this movie, it would be that the knight guarding the Grail is a decrepit puss. He’s too old to do anything other than tell riddles and say “You have chosen…wisely.” Now that I’ve used that line, you can rest assured it won’t show up at the end of this review in a shitty joke! So anyway, Indy fights lots of Nazis, engages in hilarious banter with Sean Connery, and finds one of the most sought-after relics in all of Christiandom. It’s a really great movie, and everyone needs to at least give it a chance. It’s a personal favorite.

Grade: 92