Home Alone

Izzy says:

Home Alone is one of my favorite classic Christmas movies. If I’m watching Home Alone, this means Christmas is not too far away…which automatically gives it a special place in my heart. I also love the fact that I’ve been watching this movie since I was 6 or 7 years old, so I have the majority of it memorized. It’s always fun to say lines in unison with the characters.  Since I am writing a review though, I am going to talk about the inaccuracies of this film. Funny how Ihomealone never noticed any of these as a child…but seriously – how UNREALISTIC is Home Alone? Very. And here’s why:

  • I buy into the whole “phone lines are down” thing. It could happen. This is realistic. What is UNrealistic is the fact that the family could not get in touch with ANYONE AT ALL during Christmas time. Even if there was no one on their block that was home/that had a working phone line, I’m sure that the parents are not hermits. They probably go to the local church. Their kids go to school. Maybe the mom is part of the PTA. She has an address book, for Christ’s sake, and I’m sure not EVERYONE in that book is gone or living on their one block. Newsflash – not everybody goes away for the holidays! Even if they don’t get in touch with someone right away, I’m sure with such an urgent phone call, someone is bound to at least go over there and check on Kevin and let him stay with them for a couple of days
  • What is with the Chicago cops?! If the real cops in Chicago are as inept as the ones in this film, I’m sure as hell never moving there. I get it, going to someone’s house and checking on a potential home-alone situation is not the most exciting assignment…but come on. The kid is scared. Do you REALLY think he’s going to answer some random guy knocking at the door? No, he’s not. He would ring the doorbell and say “Hi Kevin! I’m here with the Chicago police department. It’s okay, we know you’re alone and we want to help you get in touch with your family!” Problem solved. Get a nice lady cop to tag along too to make him feel more comfortable. “Tell them to count their kids again”? What a rude piece of shit. I hope one of his kids gets lost or kidnapped or hurt. This cop has a terrible attitude, especially in a crisis situation around the holidays. I would sue him and the Chicago police department if I were Kevin’s parents.
  • You know who else I would sue? The fucking airports. Seriously! If I were in that situation in any airport, the employees would at least make an announcement saying that there was an emergency and a passenger is willing to offer an additional $500 and a first-class flight two days later for anyone who would be willing to let her on a plane. I hear these announcements all the time, especially on overbooked flights! Why on earth is every employee a douchebag, saying they can’t do anything and she just has to wait?
  • Why does Kevin’s mom need to ride with John Candy and the Poker Crazies? Why can’t SHE just rent a car? Does she not know how to drive? I find that hard to believe with four kids…sports practices, ballet, etc. I mean, how long does it take to drive from Dallas (which is the first place she landed in the States) to Chicago? *goes to google maps* 14 hours. Yes, it’s a long drive. But think about it – she probably got to Dallas at some point on the 23rd, considering she was in Scranton, PA on the 24th. Scranton is 11 hours removed from Chicago. It doesn’t make sense for her to waste time trying to get flights when she could drive. I understand that she was determined to get to her son ASAP, but she could DO SOMETHING about it and drive.
  • Kevin can’t pack his own suitcase. Kevin doesn’t know how to tie his shoe. How on EARTH does Kevin come up with a plan for booby-trapping his house in a matter of hours? And in COLOR too! Then he manages to put everything together before 9pm! That’s pretty impressive for an 8-year-old. F-CTL36467
  • Kevin, why did you put on after shave twice? It hurt the first time – learn from your mistakes kid!
  • If the Wet Bandits (yes! I am referring to them by their calling card name!) tried to get into the house in any other order, Kevin’s traps would’ve been useless. Say Marv tried to go in the window first. Then he wouldn’t be barefoot and the ornaments wouldn’t have hurt. Or let’s say he didn’t try to turn on the light downstairs…then he wouldn’t be branded with the iron. Also, who falls on icy steps THREE times? Pretty ridiculous.
  • Once a tarantula is released from its cage, it goes and hides in the netheregions of the house, never to be seen again unless it finds some other tarantula to breed with…and then you have a house infestation. You do NOT see the thing being social, crawling on stairs in plain view. That was just too unbelievable for me.
  • Why doesn’t Kevin ask for help from Marley, the old shovel man? “Please sir, it’s Christmas, I’m 8-years old and my parents abandoned me at home. I heard these burglars say they were going to break into my house tonight at 9pm. Can you stay with me? You’re obviously not doing anything tonight since you’re not welcome at church with your son!” (Okay, he might not want to say the last sentence to not piss him off, but still). That way, Kevin does NOT have to booby-trap his house, he can just chill in the living room and drink cocoa with tiny marshmallows in the company of a nice old man. If the burglars try to break in, HELLO 911! It’s not like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are armed. Yes, they have crowbars, but let’s not forget that Marley has his shovel.

I know the point of Home Alone is not its inadequacies and I need to work on my suspension of disbelief. Nevertheless, I found this amusing. I love Home Alone. It makes me think about how important family is around the holidays and how you can have all the presents or vacations in the world, but if you’re not with the ones you care about, then Christmas is meaningless. Also the story about Marley and his son not speaking always gets me teary-eyed, because we all know someone (maybe it’s even you) that is estranged from the family because of some stupid argument that happened years ago. The Christmas/Holiday season is the perfect time to end quarrels. Sigh. Oh and I love the fact that the choir sings a lot of verses of O Holy Night because that’s my favorite Christmas song.

Now I feel more in the Christmas spirit. Thanks Home Alone. You rock. Ahhhhhhhh!

Grade: 94

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One Response to “Home Alone”

  1. jennyjuniper21 Says:

    I totally forgot that the burglars go by the name “Wet Bandits”! That’s really close to “ass bandits”, don’t you think? Man, I need to watch this movie again!

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