Teeth

Jenny says:

Dawn is the kind of girl you’d feel comfortable bringing home to Mother: she’s smart, quiet, pretty, and chaste. Oh, so very, very chaste. In fact, Dawn is such a big fan of virginity that she is the star speaker for her school’s abstinence group, excitedly telling local middle school kids, “It’s great to wait”.

One day Dawn and Tobey, a cute guy virgin who admires Dawn’s commitment to waiting, go to the ol’ swimming hole to cool off…and end up making out in a little cave behind a waterfall. It’s a very sweet moment—that is, until Tobey pushes Dawn down, puts his hand over her mouth, whispers “I haven’t jerked off since Easter!” and begins to rape her.

Suddenly, we hear a sickening “crunch” sound. A look of agonizing pain and horror sweeps over Tobey’s face. As the camera pulls back, we realize….dun dun dun…Dawn has the mythical vagina dentata: Latin for “toothed vagina”. In other words, she is blessed with a set of chompers in her vadge. And this is the point where Teeth, a horror-comedy directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein (son of awesome pop artist, Roy Lichtenstein) truly begins.

teeth

I’d like to take a moment here to assure all the guys out there reading this review who might not be very familiar with female anatomy that vagina dentata is a myth. It doesn’t really exist. Although I suppose any medical oddity is theoretically possible, I can assure you that the vast majority of women do not have teeth in their vagina…

…However, almost all women under the age of 75 do have teeth in their mouth. Think about that for a second. Ponder it. Now go buy flowers for the lady (or gentleman, depending on your preference) in your life who is sucking your dick on a regular basis and NOT turning you into a eunuch. Okay? Good. Lecture over. Back to the movie.

Dawn now must come to grips with her newfound power. Her first thought, predictably, is “Oh my God, I’m a freak.” She goes to a gynecologist to get her va-jay-jay checked out, but the gyno takes advantage of Dawn’s naïveté and uses the opportunity to shove a couple wandering fingers up her goodies and feel around as if he’s lost his car keys in there. Sure enough, the scene ends with the dirty doc screaming “Vagina dentata!! It’s truuuuueeee!!!” while nursing his now fingerless hand. Dawn then learns that she can use her power…for good or evil. She ends up using it to wreak havoc on rapists, jerks, and dirty old men everywhere. She is Dawn, the avenging angel.

Careful...she bites.

Careful...she bites.

Now, Teeth is not aiming to be Citizen Kane or anything like that. It’s an interesting twist on the horror film genre: instead of seeing dozens of comely babes slayed by masked serial killers, we get to see a bunch of dudes get castrated. The film also sneaks in a not-so-subtle criticism of abstinence-only education—after all, Dawn’s lack of knowledge about her own body has some serious consequences. The main thing I didn’t like about Teeth was how victimized Dawn was. EVERY guy she encounters in the film is one of the above rapists, jerks, or dirty old men. There’s one scene where Dawn has consensual sex with a guy who actually focuses on her pleasure (he uses a vibrator on her! When was the last time you saw a guy use a vibrator on a girl in a movie that wasn’t porn? Mitchell Lichtenstein has balls…or he’s getting some serious kickback from Toys in Babeland). This guy gets to keep his manhood…that is, until Dawn finds out that he made a bet with some guys at school that he could get her in bed with him. When she finds this out mid-sex, chomp, he becomes the next dick-less wonder.

So, it would have been nice if Dawn could have met a nice guy who wasn’t trying to rape, hurt, or humiliate her. But I guess Lichtenstein wanted to show as many castrations and mutilations as possible and therefore made every male character a creep worthy of losing his peen. Well, you can’t always get what you want.

In summation, Teeth is an over-the-top, hilarious (especially if you don’t have a penis), schlock-horror fest with an intriguing (or horrifying) thesis: what if the most vulnerable aspect of a woman became the tool with which she could cause unspeakable destruction?

Grade: 67

Izzy says:

I decided to put Teeth on my Netflix instant-viewing queue because two of my esteemed lady friends (Jenny being one of them) recommended it. The previous review should tell you everything you need to know about the movie as far as content goes, so I’m going to talk about what I liked and did not like about it. That’s been a common theme in my reviews recently, but I like doing it so you can just NOT read my stuff if you don’t like it.

Teeth is a wonderful movie to watch with your girlfriends. It is not a good movie to watch with boys. My boyfriend in teeth_movie_poster_onesheetparticular said that he didn’t even want to read my review because just the thought of the movie makes him uncomfortable. I guess it’s different for guys than it is for girls. We don’t take it personally.

Let me start off by saying that I have had my share of bad boyfriends. You know, guys who did not deserve my sexual attention. While I may have wanted to bite their dicks off at some point, I would have NEVER ACTUALLY DONE IT. I mean, that’s just cruel.  Dawn’s first real “victim” is a guy who claimed to be abstinent like her, but couldn’t help himself. You know, I totally understand where he’s coming from. Dawn TEASES him by wearing this…one piece black bathing suit…and going swimming with him, kissing him, and then takes him to a dark cave where there are blankets! Now, what could those blankets be for? Warming yourself up from the cold lake? Nooooo….they’re placed there strategically. Why on earth would she drag this poor boy to this cave and then not sleep with him? She asked for it the second she went there with him. I know, I know, he tried to rape her and she didn’t want it – but did he deserve to die because of that? Yeah, the guy DIES. He loses a lot of blood from his bitten off pee-pee and probably passes out in the water, only to be fished out by cops a few days later. How awful. I don’t think he deserved to die. Maybe he deserved to lose his dick…but not much more than that. Believe me, if a guy loses his dick, he’s not going to be too eager to pussy dive any time soon. Once bitten, twice shy. Heh.

I was kind of disappointed with the seemingly nice guy. He lit candles for her, he used a little vibrator on her, all the nice things boys should do. And she lets him sleep with her! No VAGINA DENTATA! He gets to keep his weiner, yay! But – then the next day, he loses it mid-coitus after she finds out it was only a bet. Okay, that does NOT deserve getting your dick bitten off. It deserves a smack in the face, no more sex EVER and telling everyone in the school that he has a tiny-ass penis. That’s about it. It’s about time Dawn learned that not all boys are as nice as they seem.

Up to this point, I could see why Dawn would want to make the most of her teeth. She got screwed over a few times, and wanted revenge. Understandable. I was not happy with what she did to her step-brother (who was admittedly a teeth-movie-poster2douchebag – loud metal music, tribal tattoos, beating up his dad, not calling the hospital when his step-mom was sick, etc). She seduced him into sleeping with her, which involved him getting over his fear of pussy (since Dawn bit him when they were little kids), and then…well you know the rest. On top of that, his huge effing dog eats the detached part of his cock and spits out the Prince Albert. Ew.

Yes Dawn, you have a gift. But use it wisely. Don’t use it to vindicate yourself when you actually put yourself in a stupid situation. We all make mistakes and trust people who aren’t worthy of our trust. Punish those who really deserve it. Like REAL rapists, not horny high school kids.

But, overall, I liked this film. It was amusing. I especially enjoyed the fact that she realized how lame celibacy is. You go girl! Throw that promise ring away! I agree with Jenny though – I wish that the movie didn’t show all guys being bad in the end. Why couldn’t she have found someone who respected her and didn’t try to get her into bed? I guess that’s too unrealistic. Still,  I was very entertained by Teeth, despite the fact that Dawn bit off a little more than she could chew…heh.

Grade: 80

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One Response to “Teeth”

  1. Oh my god, this is a must-see.
    It sounds like a good girl’s night flick- or a boy’s night flick. I could lure them over with pizza and make them watch it, I guess. That would be way funnier.

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