Twilight

Jenny says:

Twilight is the film adaptation of the first book in Stephenie Meyer’s insanely popular “sparkly vampire love” twilight2series.  It concerns the story of Bella Swan, an all-around average girl who moves to rainy Forks, Washington to live with her dad.  Bella soon meets the sullen, mysterious Edward Cullen—a boy with skin so white and cold, cheekbones so high, and strength so…um…strong that he can’t be human.  After a series of bizarre events and some good, old-fashioned Google-searching, Bella learns the truth: Edward is a vampire and she is, the words of the author, “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him”.

Hhwwoorck.  That’s the sound of my gag reflex triggering.  If you thought the Twilight books were little more than masturbation material for thirteen-year-old girls, you should get a load of the movie.  Director Catherine Hardwicke transports the audience to a place where Linkin Park plays on an endless loop in the background; where there’s a Hot Topic on every corner; and where OMG SOOOO HAWT boy vampires brood in the rain and declare unconditional, eternal, nearly abusive love to transfixed, homely girls not so different from you or me.  It’s enough to make one write dark poetry on one’s Livejournal.

But the real problem isn’t the fantastical, unrealistic elements of the story (it’s a vampire movie, cut it some slack)twilight or even the emo-fied, antifeminist vision of “love” (in Stephenie Meyer’s world, love means blindly obeying your manipulative vampire boyfriend’s every command…oh, and not screwing until marriage).  The problem is that Twilight is a poorly made film.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not a spectacularly horrible film of the Ed Wood variety, but it is pretty damn unremarkable.  The books, I’ll admit, I devoured in days.  They’re fast-paced, decently written, and actually kinda compelling (the last one veers a little too right of crazy for my taste though).  The film, however, seemed to drag on.  It lingered on the boring parts and rushed through the most exciting parts, such as the cross-country chase scene in which a bad, evil vampire tries to hunt Bella down for sport.  Hardwicke took no creative liberties with the story and instead made a straightforward, no surprises adaptation which might please the legion of pre-teen fans, but ultimately makes for a pretty pointless movie with nothing new or interesting to say.

And by far the greatest sin is the wretched acting job of the better part of the cast.  The secondary characters are reduced to stereotypes (Deadbeat dad! Goofy, nerdy friend! Dumb jock! Bitchy blonde!) and even the lead actors seem to barely even try.  At least Pattinson, given the juicy Byronic hero role, attempts to, ya know, emote.  Kristin Stewart (playing Bella), on the other hand, goes through the entire movie with a single facial expression: half-lidded eyes and slack-jawed mouth.  It’s the expression of someone heavily sedated—which is exactly how you’ll feel by the movie’s end.

Grade: 51

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