Pieces of April

Schuyler says:

I could make fun of this movie. Quite easily. Anything starring Goth Katie Holmes usually earns my ire. piecesofaprilHowever, I guess I should consider this movie in context.

Because she’s never really shared her family’s view on anything, Katie Holmes has been ostracized from her family. This is not to say Holmes hasn’t gone out of her way to seek isolation though. She has moved clear across the country and resides with her live-in boyfriend in the ghetto.

Holmes is waiting for her family to arrive for Thanksgiving dinner, presumably the first time anyone has seen her since she departed from home. Despite all the trouble she’s had with her family, she wants to make a good impression on them, because her mom (who disapproves of her terribly) is dying of cancer.

Holmes has to overcome obstacle after obstacle in order to make Thanksgiving work. This is the main “meat” (or turkey) of the film. Her oven is too small. It breaks. She has to knock on doors to ask people to share their ovens, mere hours before Thanksgiving dinners are supposed to be served. This is a discovery process in finding out how creepy and crazy the people in her building are. All of them, except a disgruntled black couple who at least hear her plea. After a few minutes, they’re in tears and do everything they can to help her (and they let her use their oven for a few hours to get her turkey started, postponing their own dinner). Also, she eventually is aided by an Asian immigrant family who doesn’t know what Thanksgiving is. When I wasn’t yelling anime jokes at the characters, this was a touching scene as well. I’ve skipped over the various creeps Holmes begs for help, because it’s ridiculously predictable. Whatever you’re afraid will happen, happens.

Worst part in the whole film: Gay McHomoson from Will & Grace is a creepy dog lady (despite being a man) pieces_of_april_2who rapes Holmes’ turkey while it is in his oven. If that happened to me, I would need counseling.

Also, Holmes boyfriend who HAPPENS to be African American gets his ass kicked by a psycho ex of Holmes’ and his lame-sauce-posse. He gets his ass kicked, mind you, in a nice, dressy suit that Sisqo had just set him up with. He too was trying his hardest to make Thanksgiving nice for the visiting guests.

My friend D’Anna was watching this film with us, and she called the ass-beating in minute 6 of the movie. That’s how obvious it is. Do writers have any NEW ideas these days?

All in all, Oliver Platt as the daddy is funny a few times. Holmes’ younger sister is a twatburger. Mom is also excessively mean, although her attitude is at least understandable given her plight: cancer-sufferer. She gets stoned at one point, and another time pretends to die. Lame, Mom. Very lame.

Also, when the family finally gets there, and sees how ghetto the neighborhood is, boyfriend comes runningpiecesofaprilpic up to the apartment, face bloodied, brain in a daze, suit torn to shreds (after his fight with the posse). The family is apparently so scared by a harmless black man lumbering in their direction that they take off, abandoning Thanksgiving plans. They relish in the thought of eating at a nice, safe, shitty diner instead of seeing their prodigal daughter.

Then, Mom goes to the bathroom, overhears another mother who is fed up with teaching her daughter how to use the restroom storm out, leaving her daughter to deal with her mess all by herself. It is in this moment she realizes what a shitty mom she has become, and that she has long since abandoned the fundamental principles behind motherhood. “Oh man, I’m a bad mommy!” So she runs outside and hops on a motorcycle with her son and drives off, leaving Dad and bratty sister in the diner. They race to the apartment and have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family, including the black couple who helped her, and the silly asians who don’t know what Thanksgiving is. It ends with a wonderful cornucopia of  ethnic melting pot-esque harmony.

Katie Holmes wins. The end.

That last sentence should clue you in to why I didn’t like this movie.

1000000 Scientology jokes were the only morphine that could get me through this sappy Thanksgiving hospital stay.

If my girlfriend wasn’t going to kick my ass for making fun of the movie any more, I would. But she will, so I won’t.

Grade: 79

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