Wild Zero

James says:

Ok, this might seriously be the best fucking movie ever made.  It’s about a real-life Japanese (!!!) rock band called Guitar Wolf, and if that alone was the plot, it would still rule.  But to make things better, it’s about Guitar Wolf fighting zombies and screaming “Rock ‘n roll!” every few minutes.  Holy shit, this made suffering through “Terror Firmer” totally worth it.  The lead singer drives around on a motorcycle that shoot flames out the mufflers, shoots people they don’t like so their heads explode, and forms blood pacts with unconscious men that form a momentary diversion in the middle of a standoff.  Plus, did I mention that his mic shoots flames any time he sings into it?  No?  Well fuck me, because it does, and it’s totally badass.

So the basic idea is that Ace is a young, wannabe musician who runs into the guys from Guitar Wolf in the middle of a near-shootout.  His entrance is enough distraction for Guitar Wolf to kill the club owner’s assistant and escape, but not before making the unconscious Ace their rock n’ roll blood brother.  They also give him a magic whistle that will summon them no matter where they are, and if you guessed that that might figure prominently into the plot, then you win!  Meanwhile, some meteorite crashes into Japan, causing all kinds of whacky zombies to rise up and eat the flesh of the living.  Ace then travels around aimlessly until he meets Tobio, an adorable little girl whose life he saves from the rampaging hoardes of grey-faced zombies.  When she gets naked (presumably out of gratitude, but its never really addressed) Ace notices with horror that she’s packing heat.  That’s right, she’s actually a dude.  Ace screams in terror and runs off, leaving Tobio to wander away sadly.  He then sees the lead singer of Guitar Wolf appear in front of him and teach him valuable life lessons about life and love, all delivered in an excellent screech.

Soon after, Ace gets swamped by the zombies, and in his desperation he uses the whistle, which Guitar Wolf immediately hears.  The lead singer jumps onto his flame-shooting motorcycle while the other two guys take their car and immediately the film splits apart.  It divides its time between Ace’s quest to find Tobio and reclaim his love, Guitar Wolf’s quest to “find their rock ‘n roll blood brother, Ace,” and the club owner from the beginning’s quest to kill everyone because he’s a fucking lunatic with a bowl cut and short shorts.  It’s really difficult to explain the plot from there, because to be honest I had a hard time following it.  That could’ve been the movie’s fault though; the plot didn’t really seem to matter once the lead singer of Guitar Wolf started throwing magical electric guitar picks that made zombies’ heads explode.  Or at the end, when he reveals that his sweet guitar is actually a sweet guitar katana, and uses it to single-handedly take down the alien mothership.  Oh yeah, there were aliens.  I’m not sure why, though.  And once the mothership explodes, all the zombies die.  And the manager turns into a hairless superzombie that shoots lasers out of its eyes, which is when I decided that this might be the coolest movie I’d ever seen.

Most of the time, movies don’t teach me a damn thing.  Lots of them try to, but it comes across as preachy and forced, and those are two qualities that I can’t abide in a story with a message.  I almost always end up tuning it out in favor of something more interesting, like a nice shiny keychain that I can shake and make pretty noises.  “Wild Zero,” however, taught me two things: courage and rock ‘n roll.  If you have these things, no force on Earth can stop you.  And if you ever face limitless amounts of the undead, all you need is ROCK ‘N ROLL to defeat them.  And a four story fall is nothing if you’ve got the music in your heart.  Rock on!

Grade: 89

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