Phantasm II

James says:

Holy hole in a donut, Batman!  This movie is fucking ridiculous!  It has exploding eyeballs, exploding grenades, exploding cars, exploding everything!  I was originally going to review the first one, but after watching it, I realized that it was boring and didn’t have nearly as many guns as the second one.  This one takes place several years after the events of the first one (which ended with all of the main characters dead, incidentally), finding Mike at a mental hospital and Reggie…selling ice cream.  But then Mike gets out, Reggie’s family gets blown up, and the two of them decide to go hunting the mysterious “Tall Man,” the seemingly unkillable bad guy from the first movie.  Now, I’m not going to lie.  The guy that plays the Tall Man is probably my favorite part of the Phantasm series.  He’s scary, intimidating, has a creepy voice, and is, true to his name, tall.  He leads an army of deformed midgets (seriously) who are actually the squashed up bodies of the recently deceased (not joking) that he uses to perform slave labor in an alien dimension (fuck yes).

His plan is, in essence, to travel around the American Northwest and visit small towns, draining their cemetaries for his own purposes and converting all of the dead into deformed monsters.  But to what end?  I’ve seen all four movies in this series, and I still couldn’t tell you.  In a world where the good guys die in every installment, and the bad guy only stays dead for like five minutes, it’s impossible to really have any idea what the fuck is going on.  That’s another scary thing about the Tall Man.  Sure, guys like Freddy, Jason, and Michael Meyers are all invincible killing machines, but at least they have the decency to stay dead until the next sequel.  The Tall Man comes back to life IN EACH MOVIE, just as the heroes are getting all excited about their victory.

Now, as to some of the cooler parts of this movie.  It has a quad-barreled shotgun.  Yes, you read that right.  And, it gets used on those awful zombie midgets!  Kickass.  It also has a flamethrower, which can only help a movie.  And it has two more boobs than the first installment, which brings the count up to two.  Also, the Tall Man has these silver balls that fly around, and when they get close to someone these blades come out and fucking STAB THEM IN THE HEAD; that’s pretty cool too.  Finally, one of my favorite scenes: the chainsaw battle.  I’ll keep this short, but it’s a totally sweet scene that is over far too soon.  It does end with a chainsaw to the groin, however, so I’m willing to forgive its brevity.

Overall, this movie is outlandish.  The plot is nonsensical, the characters were killed in the first one, and the whole thing is full of really cool, but very disparate ideas.  It’s all extremely interesting, but doesn’t really lead anywhere other than the next action scene, or crazy gore moment.  Yes, this is a very gory movie.  It features a scene in which a man gets hydrochloric acid pumped into his veins.  Gross.  All in all, a good watch.  Just don’t expect to come out of there understanding a damn thing you just saw.  Oh yeah, one of the main characters turns out to be psychic.  Chew on that one.

Grade: 75

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