Manos: The Hands of Fate

Joe says:

Well, who wouldn’t want to watch a movie that a fertilizer salesmanmanos.jpg
from El Paso made on a bet?

Speaking of selling mounds of crap to the public, there’s this movie, except it can’t be used to enhance the coming harvest.If there were a plot, I’d let you know what it is; it’s more of a nonsensical, choppy flow of events. The protagonist – I guess – is the father in the movie (his name is listed as Michael). This actor, Harold Warren, is also the gentlemen responsible for this fountain of excrement. There’s also a wife, a daughter, a little goat-man named Torgo, a couple dogs, and The Master, who is evidently on Satan’s speed dial.

Do you like driving? Well, who doesn’t, except anyone over age 35. How about ten minutes or so, non-stop on camera? That’s how this movie starts. I’m not kidding – they’re driving, and that’s it. A little unintelligible dialogue here and there, but it’s just driving. They finally arrive at this shack/house/den of ne’er-do-wells in the middle of nowhere, and goat-man Torgo comes out to greet them. Every time he moves, there’s this “dun dun dun DUN dun dun dun DUN” music that plays and pretty much abruptly stops. Almost hilarious, but this movie is ALMOST a lot of things, except good.

So they’re there, nothing happens for a while, then the dog gets eaten, followed by more nothing. Every now and then, for no apparent reason, they throw in a scene of two people making out in a convertible, which has absolutely nothing to do with anything and it’s not even mildly hot. I mean, throw us a bone here. Well, wait, there also was a quasi-orgy catfight scene near the end, which was a little better, but seriously, people.

Anyhoo, Torgo hobbles around, the Master tries to, I don’t know, enslave people, and eventually everyone gets taken over by evil; themanos2.jpg end. The fact is that this movie is so replete with errors that it’s almost so bad it’s good, but then bad again. The movie was made on a minimal budget – as stated in Mr. Warren’s bet – and had, well, virtually nothing with which to work. Lighting was non-existent – in one scene, the police take two steps out of their car to investigate, and then turn back. The camera was basically a run-of-the-mill handheld with no sound capabilities and could only capture about half a minute at a time. All of the music and dialogue was dubbed in later by three people, which is why virtually EVERYONE’S voice sounds the same. Near the end, the Master demands that Torgo arise from being on the ground – it literally takes him about 45 seconds…and all you’re doing it watching him struggle to get up. For nearly a minute. It goes without saying that the acting and editing was…well, WHAT acting and editing?

The community in El Paso would have none of it, either. The town loved the idea of the movie, until they all went to see it. The audience hated it so much that the cast slunk out in disgrace before the end of the premiere. Oh, and the character who played Torgo actually committed suicide; some say because the goat prostheses caused him intense pain, which is sad and ironic because this movie also causes anyone who watches it intense pain.

I can say without question or equivocation that this is the worst movie ever made, and the worst I have ever seen. Anyone who disagrees clearly has not witnessed it. It’s not even so bad it’s good; it’s a wretched display that not even Mystery Science Theater 3000 can save.

Grade: 0*

*Also referred to as “zip,” “zilch,” “nada,” “a goose egg,” or the number of Major League hits racked up by Billy Crystal

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