X2: X-Men United

James says:

Truly this movie is one of the all-time great sequels, right up there with “Terminator 2,” “Wayne’s World 2,” and “Black Poles in White Holesxmen2.jpg 4.” It has action, Nightcrawler, a convoluted as hell plot, and one of the coolest cameos EVER in the form of Colossus. The movie starts with an assassination attempt on the President by Nightcrawler, who later reveals that he was set up by an evil government agent named Stryker. Magneto escapes his plastic prison with Mystique’s help, and he and his evil friends actually form an uneasy alliance with the X-Men because after the attack on the President, the government is out to kill all mutants.

There’s a totally badass scene in the mansion, when all the black-ops guys are shooting the mutants with stun guns so they can round them up, when suddenly this huge guy steps in and when they shoot at him, this metal covers his skin and the tasers bounce off. The next thing you see is a guy go smashing through a wall thanks to Colossus, the Russian tankmonster himself. It only gets better once Wolverine is involved. He kills half the damn marines by himself before finally being forced to escape after Stryker himself tells him that he could shed some light on Wolverine’s past. So of course Wolverine has to go after him to some crazy military base in the wilderness somewhere.

Blah blah it’s revealed that all the mind control is done with the help of Stryker’s SON who is also a mutant himself, and he nearly ruinsxmen.jpg everything when he traps Professor X in one of his illusions (a trick is something a whore does for money), but luckily the X-Men show up to save the day. Wolverine fights Lady Deathstrike, a hot chick who has powers similar to his and a adamantium bonded to her skeleton, and that part rules [Editor’s Note: The movie portrayal of Wolverine’s relationship with Deathstrike is plot-rape…they ignore the fact that the pair have a STORIED past together, and at one point were married]. In the end, Jean Grey has to become the Phoenix in order to help everyone escape, and all the bad guys get defeated (except Magneto and them). The casual viewer believes that she is dead, but since the casual viewer is in fact a jackass, we know that there will be the inevitable third movie, which SUCKED. Treat X2 as if it was the end and you’ll be MUCH happier.

On an unrelated note, this review will take care of the only missing letter in the alphabet on the site! There is now at least one movie for all twenty-six letters, so go us because we’re industrious little fuckers. Congratulations to everyone involved, we are well on our way to becoming the KINGS OF INTERNET.

Grade: 92


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