Van Helsing

James says:

Why, Hugh?! Why would you do this to your loyal fans?! After putting in such a totally sweet performance as Wolverine, you had to go and do this to us? This movie was a disaster from the start. It starts with him fighting Mr. Hyde for some reason, then shit starts getting really weird. He ends up going to some village, I don’t remember why, but he fights a werewolf and then Dracula. But then he gets bitten and turns into a werewolf to more efficiently fight Dracula. Then the audience finds out that he was already immortal. Why? It’s never explained.

Very little gets resolved, and I might’ve fallen asleep because this movie commits the greatestvan_helsing.jpg sin of any action flick: it’s BORING. Just take my advice and skip it, you’ll thank me in the end. And if you REALLY need a fix on some hot, Hugh Jackman action but can’t bear to watch “X-Men 2” for the sixty-ninth time, check out “Kate & Leopold.” It may seem gay on the surface, but if you pay extra close attention to the beginning of the movie you learn that Meg Ryan commits the sin of INCEST by boning the guy her ancestor will eventually give birth to. Just trust me on this, seriously.

[Editor’s note: James barely wrote anything because his mind was hurting from the damage memories of Van Helsing did to it. Dr. House isn’t quite sure what’s the matter with James, but he will probably figure it out by accident within the next 52 minutes.]

Grade: 57

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