Tuck Everlasting

James says:

Where to begin? This movie will always hold a soft spot in my heart, but for reasonstuckeverlasting.jpg completely unrelated to the movie itself. It stars the daughter from “Gilmore Girls” and some blond guy as a pair of dumb kids who fall in love many years ago. She’s a rich snob from some aristocratic family of jerks, and he’s a backwater hick from some inbred family of farmers. They kiss or something, then she has to decide between her cold, uncaring family and the boy she loves. The whole situation is exacerbated when the boy reveals that his family has found the Fountain of Youth, and that they’re all like a hundred years old. So the girl has to choose a short, albeit comfortable life devoid of love, or a long, difficult one with her boyfriend, and of course she chooses her family.

The film ends with a shot of a gravestone underneath some tree, which of course is the grave of the girl. The viewer is then treated to a motorcyclist driving up to look at the grave, dressed all in black. When he takes his helmet off, GASP! It’s the boy she loved, but with longer hair so the viewer has a tangible sense of the passage of time! Apparently the advent of the motorcycle wasn’t enough to convince the average moviegoer that they’re looking at the present. Walt Disney, I know your frozen head is kept in some sort of tube, sustaining your horrible simulacrum of undeath, but come on. When your body returns to seek vengeance on the living, I hope you start with your employees first, because they’ve allowed your company to make movies like “Suck Everlasting,” as I affectionately call it. And when you do finally come for me, I’ll be waiting with some holy water, wooden stakes, and a DVD copy of this shitty movie.

Grade: 50

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