The Wrong Turn

Schuyler says:

In honor of the stupid bitch that mass-emailed all of Boston College, I’m going to review the one movie that shows a girl being decapitated from the mouth up. This character gets hit with an ax by an inbred monster right across the face, leaving her upper-head on top of the ax as the entirety of her body slides to the ground. THAT is what I want to happen to Lil’ Ms. Mass Emailer.

I could tolerate a school-wide mass e-mail if it was an emergency…but this girl was asking if anyone had an “extra room to sublet for my boyfriend, who’s a stockbroker in NYC, and he wants his own place for one week, every month…k?”

I wish a death upon her that is as horrible as The Wrong Turn is a piece of cinema.

Guy driving on county road. Slams into car full of young hooligans. Hooligans’ car has barbed-wrapped around front tires. “Hey lets go find safety/a phone/something stupid” “Okay, but let’s leave two of our members behind, and split up.” Groups split. Two ppl left behind start to have sex, then one goes to urinate, and both are killed separately by something off-camera. Others come back, finding dead pieces of friends, chased by something giggling maniacally. Run. Stumble into broken down shack, dismantled cars outside. Search through house, evil inbreds drive pickup truck home. Friends scramble to find hiding spots in house. Discover lots of severed organs, appendages, etc. From hiding spot they witness their two dead friends getting carved up. Inbreds take a nappy. Friends try to escape quietly, fail. Inbreds chase. Another friend gets arrowed up by Mongolian inbred archer. Climb into radio beacon tower. Radio for help. Radio tower set on fire by inbreds. Escape through trees. GIRL GETS AXED IN THE FACE. Only hot girl and original car-guy left alive. Girl captured. Cop comes to investigate radio distress call, gets arrowed in face. Car guy stows himself in cop car that inbred baddy drives away in. Girl is tied up to bed, about to get diced. Car-guy kills inbreds several times, saves girl. Blows up shack. Cops come to investigate, somehow inbreds alive again…but it doesn’t matter because car-guy and hot girl are in love (being the only decent looking people left).

OK! ::Knuckles crack::

This movie is plotless and relies on gore, sudden loud noises, and sudden camera movements to get ANY reaction from its audience at all.

Eliza Dushku (Hot girl) is the ONLY positive of this film. She’s a tasty treat.
Dezmond Harrington (Car-guy) is a poor man’s Paul Walker. That is DIRT poor. He fails to act like an above-average male protagonist, which is his whole job.

Other characters: Byproducts of procreation between a pile of dog shit and a blood-covered dish cloth. Shitty and useless.

Like all spectacularly awful movies, there ARE methods one may utilize to make the Wrong Turn an enjoyable film. Usually drinking games, spotting absurdities, or just straight up lying to yourself are ways to help sugar coat the swallowing of a movie turd.
Try this:

Do you know who Don LaFontaine is? He is the movie preview voice guy with the ridiculously deep/intense voice. Over the years he has provided the voiceovers for dozens of films just like The Wrong Turn. Do your own Don LaFontaine impression while watching the film, creating your own absurd mental movie preview. My friends and I did this for 84 solid minutes while watching this movie. It irritated the hell out of the one other person in the theater, but fuck him. It goes something like this:

Don LaFontaine: In a world where one must fight to survive…
DLF: …Evil lurks at every corner…
DLF: …He was driving his car…
DLF: …She was standing outside with her friends…
(Goes on for 20 minutes until…)
DLF: …They wanted him dead…
DLF: …This summer, Evil lives in Appalachia…
DLF: …Be afraid…of taking….
DLF: …The Wrong Turn…
DLF: Coming soon to a theater near you…

(Movie ends, you’ve just wasted 84 minutes)

That’s the only way you can ingest this film. You have to not take it seriously.

Grade: 19 (as a horror) / 61 (as a comedy)


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