Terror Firmer

James says:

Six words: Ron Jeremy eats his own dick. If that doesn’t make you want to watch this movie, then you’re saner than me. It does in factterror-firmer.jpg happen, though…he pulls it out of a jar, all pickled and gross, and fucking eats it. The plot is irrelevant, but for the sake of artistic integrity I’ll try to summarize it. The movie follows the production team working on the latest sequel in the “Toxic Avenger” franchise, as they slowly get murdered one after another by a mysterious, super-strong female assailant. The lead heroine makes nice with some guy who might’ve been a stage hand, has sex with him, and eventually discovers that HE is the mysterious woman, who was born a hermaphrodite and tucks it back. How she didn’t notice while they were both nude and writhing is beyond me, but there’s some really gross full frontal shemale shots, which is my primary argument for the abolition of free speech.

Also there’s a fat guy with a wang half the size of a tube of chapstick who gets his head run over by a car after running around naked causing all kinds of havoc and destruction. I don’t really know what else I can say about this travesty; there’s a LOT of nudity (too much of which is dudity for me to really get invested), more gore than you can shake a dismembered…member at, and none of it looks any good. That’s right, this low budget schlockfest fails to rise above its humble origins. The acting is awful, the SFX are laughable, and the only thing that works about this movie is the unintentional hilarity. As a comedy, I give this movie a 70. But alas, it’s not being rated as a comedy, it’s being rated as a horror movie. One where people actually met every day and set out to make something that their viewers would remember as scary. They succeeded, but probably not in the way they would have liked. Avoid “Terror Firmer” at all costs, and for the love of Odin, DO NOT WATCH THE EXTENDED VERSION. You’ll almost wish you had watched “Redneck Zombies” instead. Almost.

Grade: 15

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