The Thing

James says:

For those of you who have never seen John Carpenter’s “The Thing,” you disappoint me.thing82_1.jpg Not only is it one of the most intense horror movies this “humble” reviewer has ever seen, but it stars KURT RUSSELL! That’s right, Captain Ron himself leads a team of scientists at the North Pole who run afoul of a shapeshifting(!) alien from that gold mine of sci-fi/horror, OUTER SPACE. Before too long, the alien has begun to absorb the team members, taking on their forms to avoid suspicion. It begins as a dog from a sled team that escapes from the nearby Norwegian base [Editor’s note: James is very pro-Norwegian…and a racist]. My luckless countrymen happened to be the ones who dug up the alien’s spaceship, thawed it out of the ice, and unleashed an unimaginable horror upon the world that only KURT RUSSELL! and his intrepid team of rollerskating cooks (just see the damn movie, I don’t feel like explaining that) can defeat.

By the end of the movie, the viewer has seen a dog turn into some sort of spidermonster and eat a bunch of other dogs, a man’s ribcage give an improptu amputation at the elbow, and a petri dish full of screaming blood. Then, just when you think the movie can’t get any gorier or more ridiculous, a guy splits in half from the top of his head down to his waist, then eats another guy before launching himself up to stick on the ceiling like some giant bug. Once KURT RUSSELL! gets the flamethrower, shit gets even crazier as everyone starts accusing everyone else of being part of the monster. Paranoia is the name of the game in this movie, kids. See it if you want to see KURT RUSSELL! playing another battle-hardened badass a la Snake “Motherfucking” Plissken, the main man from “Escape From New York.” To sum up, SEE THIS MOVIE if you at all enjoy scary shit, horrible pulsating monsters (the kind not found in my pants), and fun. Grab some buddies and some beers and get ready to suspect everyone of wanting to eat you and steal your form.

PS: Wilford Brimsley….Diabetes…even a massive moustache cannot save a man in the end…

Grade: 93

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