300

Schuyler says:

the-300-spartans-print-c12180827.jpeg

I want to say “I liked 300” right now. Get that shit out of the way. It was a cool movie. Yay!

Now, on to the pwn’ing.

I swear to God I never saw more than 26 Spartans on camera at once. The producers didn’t feel the same passion within their hearts that the Spartans felt as they bore down upon 50,000 Persians (omg, imagine the BO…I know one Persian who smells bad enough when in isolation…well he’s from Peru. Fuck you) to cast more than like 26 fucking EXTRAS (at a whopping $215 a pop) to portray the brave and scantily-clad Spartan army.

Remember this shit from Kill Bill 1? The Crazy 88? More like the Crazy…..less than 88! SIGNIFICANTLY less! Try 31!

Also, we know there are plenty of inbred, mutated pieces of shit in society to create an army out of them (see also: PETA), but the creatures featured in 300 (which is supposed to be historically inclined) are laughable. My favorite was the Sally Struthers look-alike that had giant saw blades instead of arms. Imagine the amount of food Sally Struthers could ingest if she could cut it up AS SHE’S PICKING IT UP! It’d be one less pit stop on the way to her stomach. Increased efficiency, that’s what we’re talking about!300.jpg

Favorite scene: Queen Empowered-woman stabbing Councilman Dickscratch in the stomach because he called her a ho. You don’t call a Spartan woman a ho…you just don’t.

It’s like calling an Emerson girl…………………….on the phone.

Anyway, I acknowledge that 300 is not supposed to be a deep movie, just a kick-ass action movie with lots of blood and dead Persians, so I’ll give it top ratings for that. I will take off a few points for full-frontal male nudity and deformed creepy abortion-survivors.

Grade: 92

Izzy says:

What I liked about 300:santoro.jpg

1) Rodrigo Santoro. This guy was in Love, Actually as Laura “I’m such a stupid bitch for leaving an attractive Latino man in my bed to look after my crazy-ass brother who wants an exorcism because he’s stupid and crazy and I’m stupid and crazy for leaving Rodrigo” Linney’s love interest. (Reviewer’s Note: I initially got so side-tracked by Laura Linney’s extensive middle name that I originally ended my sentence after Laura Linney…and then I realized my sentence was “Rodrigo Santoro played…Laura Linney.” Yeah, he was a kick-ass Laura Linney.) Anyway…yes. So Santoro. Pecks. Hung. Sexy.

2) See Above.

Grade: 90

AVERAGE GRADE: 91

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