Redneck Zombies

James says:

“Redneck Zombies,” two words that go together like a ramalamalamalama ding dong or whatever, provided those words mean DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Granted, the mereredneck.jpg fact that this review exists means that there’s a greater chance that some hapless reader will go out and rent it just to see what the big deal is, but I have to try to warn you anyway. This is moviemaking at its absolute basest; a few assholes with a video camera who managed to scrounge up a few hundred bucks and decided to gather up their college buddies and make a movie. The only thing they managed to make was a resounding failure.

The movie begins when an army Jeep carrying unsecured toxic waste hits a speed bump in hillbilly country, and the barrel goes flying off the Jeep and into the woods. When the stalwart soldier goes to retrieve it, he gets ambushed by a fat redneck with a shotgun who insists that the toxic waste is now his, since it’s on his land. Harnessing the might of the full US Army, the soldier, who is completely unarmed for some reason, retreats like a Frenchman. The redneck then adds the goo to his moonshine, which he promptly distributes to the other rednecks in his town, and for some reason they all turn green and feast on the flesh of some pointless hikers who happen to be in the area. From there we’re treated to a few scenes of people getting mauled by vaguely dead people, including a baby whose mother gave it some of that tasty, tasty moonshine, with abrupt cuts to a survivor in a mental hospital, burning herself with cigarettes while the screen changes colors (someone figured out how to use the special functions on his camcorder!) and some orderlies talk about how she’s crazy.

By the time it’s all over, the viewer is left with a terrible taste in his or her mouth. It is the taste of sweat and horror in the knowledge that somewhere, someone was ACTUALLY PAID to make this movie. I only have two thumbs thanks to some evolutionary oversight, but if I had more, they would all be as down as possible. Luckily, as far as I know it never got the DVD treatment, so good luck finding a VHS copy of this travesty. You’d be far better served by taking shots of Listerine instead, and the effect on your body would be far less harsh.

Grade: 14


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